


Be My Hero

by junedear



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Memories, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Fluff, M/M, Oblivious Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa Tooru Being Oikawa Tooru, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, POV Oikawa Tooru, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Soft Iwaizumi Hajime, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:34:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junedear/pseuds/junedear
Summary: Oikawa and Iwaizumi have been best friends for forever, but when did that friendship turn into something more? For Oikawa, that moment came when they were 13. For Iwaizumi, it happened at 17. As they grow up and face challenges far bigger than high school, it becomes apparent that the two were meant to be together- and nothing that the universe throws at them can change that.~Updates on Fridays~
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira
Comments: 79
Kudos: 111





	1. Godzilla (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's a mild snakebite injury, but it's not described in graphic detail.

I still remember the first time we met.

Though if I’m being totally honest, I don’t think that it’s something that _anyone_ could forget. There’s a feeling that you have when someone like that walks into your life- it’s as though your whole world shifts, and suddenly everything is better- brighter- more beautiful. Previously unattainable dreams are now within reach, and you feel intoxicated with invincibility. When you meet someone like that, the tough times pass quickly and the good times seem to last forever.

When I first met Iwaizumi Hajime, I was a mere 8 years old. We’re 17 now, but the time in between hasn’t faded the memory. My birthday had come and gone, and it managed to drag the majority of my summer break with it. I was supremely upset about moving and having to start a new school, but I trusted that my parents had made the right decision. In the end, of course, they did- but that’s not how I saw it at the time.

“Mama, can we go home now?” I asked as I peered out of the car window at the scary houses and their equally terrifying inhabitants.

“Tooru, sweetie,” my mom said as she twisted around in her seat to catch my eye. “You’re going to love it here! Your father has a childhood friend that lives right next door to us, and he has a son just your age. I’m sure you two will become good friends!”

“Mooom!”

“Wouldn’t that be fun, Tooru? A best friend?”

“I don’t want a best friend,” I whined. “I want to go home…”

I felt my eyes sting with tears as my mom continued to discuss how much fun I was going to have at the _new_ house. My dad chimed in from the driver’s seat with the occasional _‘Your mother is right, Tooru,’_ but I simply closed my eyes and desperately wished to be back at home. 

The conversation quickly died down once my parents realized that I wasn’t in the mood for anything “new.” I liked our old house just fine, and although it was a bit small, it was _home_. This new house was just a set of walls and a roof- there were no memories there.

My musings were interrupted as we pulled into an unfamiliar driveway, and I couldn’t help but gape at the enormous house that accompanied it. The residence was just as I had imagined it to be: tall, bare, and lifeless. I remember thinking that there were probably ghosts living in the walls that didn’t want their routine interrupted. 

“I’m with you, ghosts,” I whispered. “I don’t want us to be here, either.”

I pulled my nose away from the window to assess the house closest to ours, wondering briefly if every house on the block could be just as bleak. Oh, how wrong I was.

The adjacent house was a pleasant, pale-blue color, and it had a soft white accent gracing the borders of the windows and the front door. There was shrubbery hugging the base of the house, and an assortment of flowers coloring the dark soil of the garden. It was a serene scene overall, but what made the house most appealing was that it appeared to be lived-in. Volleyballs were scattered in the yard, a few pieces of mail jutted out of the mailbox, and- 

_Oh_ _,_ I thought. _The happy family is standing in the driveway._

“David!” My dad called as he parked the car and immediately hopped out to greet the man standing in the nearby driveway.

The men quickly embraced before parting to engage in what appeared to be a long-awaited conversation.

“Ben! How are you? How was the trip?”

“Fine, fine,” my dad said. “This must be the lovely Clara?”

I turned my head to see the woman that my dad had gestured towards, and I was immediately warmed by her kind smile and polite demeanor.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Ben,” she said as she shook my father’s hand. “David never stops talking about you boys and your 'glory days' at Aoba Johsai High.”

“Ahaa those were the days, man!” My dad laughed and clapped David on the back. “I assume this little guy is Hajime?”

 _Oh, so we’re finally going to address the glaring inconsistency,_ I thought. I peeked further over the edge of the car door to get a better look at what I could only assume to be the couple’s son. If his parents were any indication of what was to be expected from him, then looks truly were deceiving. The boy appeared to be my age, and every soft aspect of his mother stood in sharp contrast to his rough features. His hair was a deep brown color that was so dark that it almost appeared black. His face was riddled with patches of dirt, and there were bandaids strewn across his knees and elbows. He carried a net in one hand and a suspicious-looking container in the other.

“Yeah! Hajime, show Ben the bug you caught today!” David encouraged as he bent down and grinned at his son.

Hajime, apparently not the shy type, walked directly towards my dad and puffed out his chest. He held the container out proudly, but it was too far away for me to make out the contents.

“He’s a beetle. His name is Godzilla.” 

“Wow!” My dad ruffled Hajime’s hair and I felt a wave of jealousy run through me. “You caught yourself a big one!” He stood and turned towards the car before calling out to me. “Hey, Tooru! Come see Godzilla!” 

I quickly ducked down behind the door, but I knew I didn’t stand a chance. My mom finished sending a message on her phone before tucking it into her pocket. I watched in horror as she hopped out of the passenger’s seat and came around to my side of the car. When she reached my door, she opened it without hesitation and crouched down to meet me. 

“Come on, sweetie, it’s time to socialize! You’re going to be just fine,” she soothed.

“Mom, it’s a BUG! Bugs are GROSS!” I whisper-shouted.

“Tooru, come on now. Don’t be a baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

My mom stood, placing a hand on her hip and raising an eyebrow.

“Then let’s go.”

I huffed and reluctantly made my way out of the car. As we walked toward the family, I kept my head up and made a sorry attempt at a brave impression. It was at that moment when my eyes were immediately drawn to the boy, “Hajime,” and I could feel the excitement radiating off him in waves of sunshine and electricity. It was also during that very moment in which I saw him smile for the very first time. His left front tooth was missing, which only added to his grungy appearance, and yet...when he beamed at me, it was as though he became a whole new person.

That is, until he ran towards me and shoved the container in my face.

“His name is Godzilla, and he’s a beetle!”

 _As if I couldn’t hear you the first time,_ I thought, but kept the remark to myself.

I was now able to see that what he had in his container was less of a beetle and more of defunct rhinoceros. It had two massive horns jutting out from its head, and I could confidently tell that it needed to go back to whatever pit of hell that it came up from.

I _really_ don’t like bugs, and that’s one thing that hasn’t changed.

“Ah! Th-that’s cool…” I backtracked quickly and smiled tightly as Hajime held the container out towards me.

 _This is fine_ _,_ I thought. _Just keep being brave. As long as it stays in its cage, I’m fine._

“Do you want to hold him?”

_Well, that plan is out the window now._

“Um…” I muttered, attempting to stall while I glanced over at my mom and dad, who were too busy chatting to notice my predicament.

“Come on!!” Hajime goaded, beaming brilliantly up at me.

“Okay,” I said, holding my hands out warily. “Just be careful, ‘cause I don’t want him to bite me, you know.”

Hajime nodded and eagerly removed the beetle, “Godzilla,” from its container. For someone who seemed so rough around the edges, he handled the beetle with uncharacteristically soft movements. He gently coaxed the creature into his hands before dropping it into mine. I held my breath as it crawled around a bit before settling on the edge on my thumb.

“He likes you!”

“Ha, yeah…”

I dared to take my eyes off the beetle in favor of getting a better look at Hajime. His dark eyes appeared golden in the light, and it was almost as though his dazzling gaze had entranced the sun itself. I wondered briefly if people could have that power: the power to entice entire stars- entire _galaxies,_ even- into their eyes. If anyone could do it, it was most certainly this boy.

“I’m Iwaizumi Hajime, by the way.”

“Oh, I’m Oikawa To-”

I gasped as the beetle abruptly buzzed off of my thumb and began to fly away. It seemed to be gunning for the narrow path between the Iwaizumis’ house and what was now mine.

There was a brief moment in which Hajime- or rather, Iwaizumi- and I looked at each other. Our expressions both conveyed the question _‘Did that just happen?’_ but I’m sure that my face didn’t hold nearly the same amount of distress that his did.

“GODZILLA!!!” Iwaizumi hollered as he swiped his net up off the ground and began to run after the beetle. 

I remember standing there and running through the possible ways that I could handle the situation. On one hand, it was my fault that Godzilla got away; on the other hand, it was just a beetle. _It_ is _just a beetle_ _,_ I thought, _but it’s important to him._ With that, I felt my feet begin to move. I was running- running after Iwaizumi Hajime, a boy that I had just met, without giving it a second thought. 

My strides were a bit larger than his, so I was able to catch up with ease. I watched as the beetle flew between our houses and darted down the hill into a wooded area, Iwaizumi and I not far behind. We made our way through the brush and rock until we reached a clearing where the beetle finally began to drift to the ground. It landed in the grass and began to dig its way down into the earth, trying to escape from the prying hands of two 8-year-old boys.

When Iwaizumi slowed and held up a hand, I quieted my footsteps and took a moment to gaze at the open area in front of us. The clearing that we were in was surrounded by an array of trees, some towering at immeasurable heights while others grew closer to the ground. _This spot would be absolutely perfect for stargazing,_ I thought. I didn’t get to stargaze back at my old home because of the excessive light pollution, but I’d always been fascinated by the stars.

I pulled myself back to reality and watched as Iwaizumi crept closer and closer to where the beetle had landed. I became increasingly worried when I realized that he hadn’t brought the container with him, which meant that he either planned on carrying it in his hands or somehow keeping it from tearing through his net. Sure, the mesh might hold up against a cicada or a dragonfly, but against a monster beetle named Godzilla? I had my doubts.

“Maybe you should just let it go…” I suggested from Iwaizumi’s side.

He immediately turned to me and whispered, “No way! I just found him this morning, and I haven’t even drawn him yet!”

“Drawn him?”

“Yeah, I- OH MY GOD!!”

This is so cliché to say, but it really did happen within a fraction of a second. 

Iwaizumi grabbed my arms and jerked me behind him as he hastily tried to back away from some unseen offender. As I peered over his shoulder, I saw a snake rapidly moving towards us. Before I could react, the creature shot forward towards my leg. I closed my eyes and braced for the impact that never came.

When I looked down, Iwaizumi’s leg was somehow twisted at an awkward angle in front of mine. The snake was clamped onto his calf, and I remember feeling nothing but the cold fingers of fear gripping my chest.

“IWA-CHAN!!” I screamed as he fell back onto me and began to hyperventilate.

“MOOOMM!” Iwaizumi shrieked.

The snake abruptly released its grip and slithered out of sight, but the damage had already been done. I could see the small droplets of blood forming on Iwaizumi’s tan skin, and although the injury didn’t appear to be that severe, he was shaking hard enough to warrant worry.

I said nothing and simply hugged him as he rocked back and forth, tears streaming down his face. His breaths were coming in short gasps and I could feel his entire body trembling harder with each second. 

“Hajime, what happened? Are you okay?” 

I turned my head to see Iwaizumi’s mom running towards us, concern apparent on her face. When she reached us, she lifted her hands to cradle Iwaizumi’s cheeks, her eyes searching for answers. I knew that Iwaizumi was too scared to talk, so I mustered all of my courage and told her what happened. At least, I tried to.

“It- there was a snake and he- it- it bit him!” I blubbered frantically in an attempt to recount the story.

“Okay, love, look at me. It’s going to be alright. We’re going to take you to the doctors so they can look at it, okay? Everything is going to be just fine,” Iwaizumi’s mom soothed.

While she carefully examined his leg, I heard the rest of the adults arrive at the scene. 

I was still clinging desperately to Iwaizumi as my mom gave us a once-over, saying, “Tooru, why don’t you let Iwaizumi go so that his mom can take care of him?”

I suddenly realized that I was in the way, so I gently let go of Iwaizumi as his father bent down to take him in his arms. The Iwaizumi family hastily made their way up the hill and back to their house while I burst into tears.

“Tooru, what’s the matter? Did you get bitten as well?” My Dad asked as he bent down, visibly concerned.

“No, it’s just- I don’t know, it was coming for me and then he grabbed me and jumped in front of me and it’s just- it- it’s all my fault!” I wailed.

“Shh, sweetie, it’s alright. This wasn’t your fault.” My mom enveloped me in a hug and ran her fingers in circles around my back, although it did nothing to calm the flood of emotions inside my chest.

As my parents and I walked back up to our new home, I wondered how anyone could possibly be so brave. Iwaizumi was the epitome of vibrance, and he put it all out on the line for me. Me, a stranger. Me, who doesn’t deserve to be in the same room as him, let alone the same realm on the same planet.

_Why would someone like Iwaizumi save someone like me?_

I know now that his life wasn’t in any real danger, but that’s not what it seemed like at the time. I remember crying for the rest of that evening, and I begged and begged to go and see how Iwaizumi was doing.

“Tooru, it would be impolite to bother them at this hour,” my father scolded. “Besides, we still have a few more boxes to unpack. Why don’t you go to your room and arrange your science stuff on the mantle?”

“It’s not science _stuff,_ ” I retorted.

“Tooru.” My mom’s voice from the kitchen told me that I needed to drop the subject.

I rolled my eyes and reluctantly made my way up the stairs. Even though I didn’t like having to move to a different house in an unfamiliar city, I was willing to admit that my room here was far nicer than the one back home. It was more spacious than I had expected it to be, and the walls were painted in a light turquoise color that seemed welcoming. As much as I hated to admit it, my dad might have been onto something with the mantle. I didn’t have one at home, and my alien collection and telescope would sit perfectly up there.

As I went to pick up my box full of alien merchandise, I noticed that the curtains of my window were open. I padded over to shut them before realizing that my window was directly facing one of the Iwaizumis’ windows. I could see clearly into the room directly across from mine, and inside was none other than Iwaizumi Hajime himself.

 _How perfect_ , I smiled.

I opened up the window and made my way out onto the roof. The roofs of both houses were so close that they practically touched, so I was able to quietly creep from one to the other. As I drew closer to Iwaizumi’s window, I could see that he was lying on his bed and donning a white bandage on his leg.

_Tap tap tap!_

“Iwaizumi!” I whisper-shouted.

He jerked up off of his bed and glared disbelievingly at the window.

“Oikawa?”

“Hey,” I smiled.

Iwaizumi limped slowly towards the window and opened it upon arrival.

“What are you doing on my roof?” He asked.

“Coming to see you, dummy!” 

I shooed him away from the windowsill and nimbly climbed in.

“I…” Iwaizumi paused and shook his head before laughing. “I can’t believe that you just snuck into my room.”

“Well, it’s not sneaking if you know I’m here,” I quipped.

“Psh, whatever.”

Iwaizumi made his way back over to the bed, the exhaustion from today visible on his shoulders.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier,” Iwaizumi said as he sat down.

His words hung in the air as I grappled with their incomprehensibility.

“What are you sorry about? You saved my life!” I guffawed.

Iwaizumi looked down at his feet before mumbling, “We wouldn’t have been down there if it weren’t for me.”

“Iwa-chan,” I said as I walked briskly over to him and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Dude, you’re my hero.”

I remember the way that his face scrunched up as I called him a hero, as though he took it as some kind of an insult.

“Shut up, Shittykawa."

I guess that’s how our nicknames started, too.

I wasn’t bluffing then and I’m not bluffing now- Iwaizumi is my hero. From the first time that I met him to this very day, he’s always been by my side, ready to catch me when I fall. That’s honestly how it goes most of the time; I put myself in danger and Iwa-chan is always there to get me out. But it’s more than just the trust that we’ve built up over the years- it’s the fact that he was willing to get hurt to save me from pain back when we barely knew each other. One, maybe two sentences had been spoken between us, and yet he still found me worth saving. Although it may not seem like it, one of Iwaizumi’s greatest strengths is his ability to care for others. He’s the ace through and through; dependable, trustworthy, and a good person overall. 

To an outsider, it may seem like Iwaizumi has it together. He gets good grades, he’s the ace of a powerhouse school, and he could have any girl that he wants. But the truth is, there are times when he needs me just as much as I need him. When we were younger, Iwaizumi suffered from severe anxiety attacks, and he needed my help before he learned to manage them on his own. They still happen once in a while, and only during those times do I feel like I can give back some of the light that Iwaizumi has brought into my life. He’s undoubtedly my hero, but I want to be his, too.


	2. Cakewalk (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains depictions of an anxiety attack. If that could be triggering to you in any way, please be cautious while reading! Also, I don't know if this is worth mentioning, but you might get some second-hand embarrassment, so...there's that.

I remember Oikawa calling me a hero on the very first day that we met. I realize now that he was just being dramatic, but it was something that always stuck with me because of its irony. Iwaizumi Hajime, a hero. What a sick joke that was.

I guess something happens when you’ve been friends for as long as Oikawa and I have- we notice things about one another that other people don’t pick up on. When he’s having a particularly bad day, I can see right through his tight smiles and forced laughter. WhenI’m nervous or upset, Oikawa looks past the walls that I so carefully built and comforts the anxious parts of me. Out of all the people in the world, Oikawa knows me the best.

So, it would only make sense that Oikawa is the one who knows just how much of a coward I truly am. We became friends around 8 years old, and since then, he’s seen me at my lowest of lows. It's a wonder that I can manage to face him every day, what with the things that I know he’s seen. He constantly tells me that I’m overthinking things, but I can’t help but wonder... I mean, what if everyone secretly thinks that I’m not good enough? It’s completely plausible. What if they’re just being nice to me because I’m Oikawa’s friend? Oikawa has always been so strong and beloved by everyone, so it’s hard to imagine that anyone would like me as much as they like him. I’ll never tell him any of this, though, because I consider myself lucky to be in his general vicinity. If I were to tell him just how amazing I think he is, it would only add onto the list of embarrassing things that I’ve done in his presence. The list has admittedly grown longer as the years come and go. It’s embarrassing, really.

The first time I ever made a fool of myself in front of him was at his 12th birthday party, which is known to me as hell on wheels. I mean that quite literally, too. If my memory serves me well, then it went something like this...

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa exclaimed as he rolled towards me. “These are so much fun!!”

I had gotten a pair of roller skates for my 12th birthday, which was only a little over a month before Oikawa’s. He had fallen so in love with mine that he’d begged his parents to get him a pair for his birthday. I, of course, was less than thrilled.

“Slow down or you’ll hit something!” I barked at Oikawa as he veered too close to a lamp.

"It’s my house, Iwa-chan, so I can break whatever I want to!”

“Not so fast, sport,” Oikawa’s mom chided as she stepped into the room. “If you break something, I won’t let you have any cake.”

Oikawa came to an abrupt halt at the mention of cake. 

_Typical,_ I thought to myself.

“It is ready??”

“Yeah, it’s ready. I hand-decorated it and everything, so you’d better like it,” Mrs. Oikawa laughed.

“Does it have aliens on it??” Oikawa asked, practically bouncing out of his skates.

“I don’t know, you’ll just have to find out,” his mom shrugged.

That was the summer when everything changed. My dad would come home less and less, and I began spending my time with the Oikawa family instead of my own. It wasn’t that I had a bad relationship with my parents or anything- we just started to drift apart. What I didn’t know at the time was that as I would grow older, the rift in our family would grow even larger. Back then, I just assumed that it was a phase, but I can now pinpoint those two months as the time when our good-old “family dynamic” began to crumble.

That was probably why I enjoyed spending so much time with the Oikawa family. They’re a perfect unit: Oikawa’s mom has a heart of gold that she uses to help others, Oikawa’s dad is energetic and super fun to be around, and Oikawa is...well, Oikawa. Everything about them screams _‘perfect family,’_ and during that summer, I found that I loved being a part of it. I think my mom did, too, because she always got along with Mrs. Oikawa, and would often talk about how she wished that she could be more like her. They would even go on runs together in the mornings.

As for my dad and Oikawa’s dad, they got along when they saw each other. That wasn’t often, though- my dad was promoted that summer, so he began to travel more frequently. I missed him a lot in the beginning, but as time went on, I forgot what it was like to have him around. Oikawa’s dad, on the other hand, was always present when it counted. He would play volleyball in the yard with Oikawa and me or take us fishing at the lake, which was something that my dad would never dream of doing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without business clothes on to this very day. It’s kind of sad, but I try not to think about it too often.

Oikawa’s parents are, in a way, mine as well. They’re a soft spot for me to lean on when my own parents are away, and I do everything in my power to make them proud of me. I know that they’ll love me either way, but it still feels nice to make someone proud. At the time, however, I was still doubting my place in their family, and it felt as though one mistake could ruin it all.

That’s probably why what happened next scared me so terribly.

“Iwa-chan, I’ll race you to the cake!”

“Hey, wait! You have your roller skates on AND you have a head start- that’s cheating!”

Oikawa stuck his tongue out at me as I leapt forward to make up the lost ground. He was only a few feet ahead when I saw him clear the entryway to the kitchen; what I didn’t see, however, was the cake that he barely missed by taking a sharp left turn.

I had absolutely no time to react as the cake materialized in front of me. I didn’t have my roller skates on, but socks don’t mix well with hardwood flooring. I put my arms up, hoping that it would lessen the impact as I slammed into the table. Cake went flying in every direction as I went skidding through it across the kitchen floor. When I came to a stop, I slowly looked up at the shocked faces surrounding me. My vision began to blur as the room fell into a heavy silence. After a few agonizing seconds, I attempted to speak and pick myself up off the floor.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean, I didn’t, I just, I’m so sorry sorry sorry-”

“Iwaizumi, it’s no big deal! We can clean up the mess in no time, and I’ll just grab the ice cream in the fridge. Besides,” Oikawa’s mom smirked, “we don’t need Tooru any more sugared-up than he already is! Why don’t you go home to clean up while I take care of the kitchen?”

I managed to mumble a swift “okay” before skittering out of the room. By the time I made it outside, I was gasping for air and shaking so hard that I could barely stand. _I don’t need to go home_ _,_ I thought. _I need to somewhere else- anywhere else._

“Iwa-chan, are you okay?”

I spun around to see Oikawa awkwardly hovering behind me, and the concerned look on his face put me over the edge.

“Iwa!”

I bolted away and began to sprint towards the forest, my field of vision decreasing with every leap and bound. Every footstep was a clap of thunder, every breath was clutched by an iron fist, and my legs were no more than saplings subjected to a herculean wind. My head swam in arbitrary blurs and patterns until I could no longer see the trees, and I registered a flash of color before I hit the ground hard. I could feel the rocks grind into my ribs as the sticks poked and prodded at my flesh. I inhaled the earth with collapsing lungs and gripped the ground like it was the only thing keeping me from exploding. The last thing that I saw was Oikawa’s frantic expression before the light faded into darkness.

○○○

When I regained consciousness, I felt my head laying in Oikawa's lap while he gently ran his fingers through my hair. It took a while for me to fully process the situation, but Oikawa calmly looked ahead and kept drawing circles on my skin. I used the moment of serenity to gaze up at him.

He was always on about something, so there were rarely ever moments like these- moments when everything was quiet, and I could just stare and stare at my own discretion. It wasn’t that Oikawa was pretty or anything like that; no, that wasn’t it. It was more like…staring at the night sky. Each individual star or galaxy might not be fascinating within its own right, but when you put all of the little things together, you end up with the most captivating scene of all. Oikawa was a billion tiny stars all packed into one iridescent human being.

_Okay,_ I thought to myself, _I must have a concussion._

I slowly eased my way up into a sitting position and turned to face my best friend.

“Hey…” I looked at Oikawa, who shot me a soft smile.

“Hey,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

“Um, okay...” I looked down at my shaking hands. “I guess. What happened?”

“Iwa-chan, I think you had an anxiety attack,” Oikawa said as he shifted closer towards me.

“What?”

“An anxiety attack. It happens when you get really anxious and panicked about something. I think that knocking over the cake was a little too much for you.”

“Oh god I- I’m so sorry about that- I ruined your birthday, I’m so sor-”

“Iwa.”

Oikawa took my hands in his and gave them a gentle squeeze. 

“You didn’t ruin anything. Well," he pondered for just a moment, "except maybe that shirt.”

I gasped and looked down at my cake-encrusted clothes before asking, “How long have we been here?”

“Oh, not long! A minute, maybe? You took a while to wake up, Iwa-chan. I was so scared…” 

I saw tears flash in Oikawa’s eyes as he gazed down toward our interlocked hands. It was then that I noticed the rings of red encircling his eyes, complemented by the visible tear streaks that ran down his face. 

_He must have been crying while I was asleep._

“Hey, look, I’m okay now. It’s okay. Won’t happen again.”

I stood up shakily, pulling Oikawa along with me.

“Woah!” I gasped as the ground shifted under my feet, causing me to lose my balance.

“Careful!” Oikawa steadied my shoulders with his hands and glared at me. “Have you been eating right? Drinking enough?”

“Uhh…” I tried to think back to what I’d eaten that day, but all that came to mind was a pop-tart. “I think I got caught up in your birthday and everything, and I forgot to eat lunch…”

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa smacked my arm. “You absolute idiot! Let’s go, you need food _right now._ ”

“Yeah, I know, just...give me a minute? I’m still kinda dizzy.”

“Oh, okay, I understand. You should probably sit down, then...”

I hummed in agreement and took a seat. Oikawa sat by my side and began to ask the questions that I knew he’d been dying to get to.

“So...tell me if I’m bothering you, but I have questions.”

“Okay.”

Oikawa took a breath and began his inquiry. “Do you have anxiety?”

“Kinda?” I fidgeted with my fingers before finding a way to explain the answer that would make the most sense to him. “Do you remember when we first met and I got bitten by that snake?”

“Of course- how could I forget that?”

“Right, well, I had my first “anxiety attack” or whatever that day. The doctor said that it was probably due to the circumstances and that I didn’t actually _have_ anxiety, but the attacks didn’t stop after that. It was like I became scared of getting scared, you know? I’d feel fear and immediately freak out, which was pretty inconvenient. My mom took me back to the doctor after that, and that’s when I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I wasn’t put on medication because my mom thought I was too young, but I did learn how to cope with them a little bit better. Eventually, I got them less and less, and now I only get severe ones maybe twice a year? Yeah, it’s not that bad, so…”

“But you still have anxiety even if it’s not as bad as what other people have...you know that, right?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Iwaizumi.” Oikawa turned to face me, and his expression was more serious than I had anticipated. “You’re completely valid. Just because your struggle may not be ‘that bad’ doesn’t mean that it ceases to exist. You get that, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “I know...it just feels like maybe if my problem isn’t that bad, then it can be solved quicker, you know?”

“Oh, I didn’t think of it that way…”

“Yeah.”

Oikawa drummed his fingers on the ground before asking me another question.

“This is kind of specific, but earlier when I said that you had an anxiety attack, you asked me what that was. Why did you ask if you already knew?”

“Oh,” I laughed, “I wasn’t asking what it was- it was one of those things where you say ‘What?’ when you have to take the time to process what the other person said, not because you didn’t hear them.”

“Oh! Oh man, now I feel so stupid…” Oikawa buried his face in his hands.

“Wait, why??”

“I just...I tried to explain an anxiety attack to someone with anxiety...that’s kind of a douchey thing to do…”

“Oi, Shittykawa, you didn’t know!” I grinned and swung an arm around his shoulders. “Plus, it’s not like you were trying to be a douche- you were just trying to help.”

“Ughh!” Oikawa dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Today has been so crazy.”

“Well, it certainly hasn’t been a cakewalk.”

“Iwa-chan, was that a pun?”

“Maybe.”

Oikawa laughed and jabbed at my side before asking, “Hey, what do you say we go back and get you some food? Do you think you can walk?”

“Yeah, I feel a lot better now.”

Oikawa sprung up and turned to me as a grin spread across his face. I grabbed his outstretched hand and let him pull me to my feet, but his grip didn’t falter once I was standing. I shot him an inquisitive look.

“In case you fall again,” he said. 

“Psh, not gonna happen.” 

As we walked through the trees and brush, I remember feeling the knot in my chest unravel. I had been so overwhelmed by the situation that I’d forgotten to think rationally. I know that knocking over a cake seems like such a trivial thing now, but my anxiety had a tendency to amplify minor experiences. It’s much better now than it was back then, but it still exists. The fact that I told Oikawa about it was a huge step for me, especially because my anxiety is something that I’m kind of embarrassed about. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.

That’s what I mean when I say that it’s ironic that Oikawa called a hero on the day that we met. If anything, I’m a coward. “Heroes” don’t get anxious over silly little things like their fathers raising their voices or the overwhelming fear that they’re not good enough for anyone. I mean, we’re third-years now. I’m 17 years old for crying out loud- I should be over this shit. Yet here I am, reminiscing over the past as if it could change anything in the present. I’m honestly an emotional wreck, and it’s a wonder that Oikawa hasn’t gotten tired of it.

He’s always been there for me, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why. Since then, he’s gotten stronger and grown into a person far better than I could ever hope to be. I don’t know why he keeps me around, but I’m not complaining. He’s so confident in everything that he does, and being around him makes me feel like maybe there _is_ a bright side to all of this mess. I may never get all of my shit together, but being Oikawa Tooru’s best friend- his “hero,” or whatever- makes it worth the fight.


	3. We're Us (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note- if the formatting around italicized words looks weird, that's because it IS and I have no idea how to fix that. Sorry!

Falling in love with Iwaizumi Hajime was the easiest and most idiotic thing that I’ve ever done. It didn’t happen in one instance where we locked eyes and I felt my heart explode; no, it came through a million small occurrences that led up to one big revelation. It’s true that you can’t pinpoint the moment that you fall in love with someone, but you sure as hell can pinpoint the moment that you realize it.

For me, that moment came about 4 years ago in the middle of winter. We were 13 at the time, and school had been canceled because of a powerful hurricane that was sweeping through the area. Both Iwaizumi’s parents and mine were stuck at their respective places of work until the threat blew over, and it appeared as though that time would not come quickly. The wind ripped through the trees as the rain slammed down on the roof, and if I hadn’t already been awake, the noises would have certainly dragged me out of my sleep.

I’ve always been an early riser, so I was unbothered at being awoken by the deafening sounds. It was already 6 AM, but I knew that it was far too early to bother Iwaizumi. He was never a morning person and hated being woken up in general, which made absolutely no sense because he was always the first one of us to fall asleep. The fact that I knew he’d gotten at least 8 hours of rest made it easier for me to grab my phone off the coffee table and call his number.

“Oikawa, it’s 6:00 AM,” he grumbled.

I flung my legs over the armrest of the couch and smirked. “And yet you answered after only two rings.”

“Don’t make me hang up on you, Shittykawa.”

“Rude!” I pouted. “Look, I’m so terribly lonely over here, and I need your help.”

“My help?”

“Your help.”

I could hear Iwaizumi shifting around, doing what I could only assume to be getting out of bed. He mumbled something along the lines of  _ ‘the things I do’ _ before asking, “Help with what, exactly?”

“Well, you see...”

I’m not exactly  _ afraid _ of storms. Sure, I’ve never been particularly fond of them, but it’s not like I run and hide at the sound of thunder...at least, I don’t do it anymore. I’ve had 17 years to buck up and get over my uneasiness, which I have- for the most part. Four years ago, though? I wasn’t anywhere near where I am now.

“What do I see, dumbass? Finish your sentences,” Iwaizumi glowered

“Mom and Dad are gone, and I’m really craving cookies!”

“What the hell does that have to do with me?”

“I’m glad you asked,” I smiled. “I obviously can’t go to the grocery store, and we’re all out of vanilla extract, so...”

“You woke me up at 6 in the morning to bring you vanilla extract,” Iwaizumi deadpanned.

“Yep! See you soon, Iwa-chan!”

I hung up the phone and skipped into the kitchen, turning the lights on as I went. The sunlight was just barely filtering through the windows, as it had only crept above the horizon a few minutes ago. It was one of those weird days where there was sunlight despite the storm, and the air felt distinctly charged. The light somehow seemed to lessen the effect of the intimidating noises outside, which I was extremely grateful for. I made a mental note of adding sunrises to my list of reasons for waking up early in the morning.

First: Volleyball. Early practice always helps me clear my head before school.

Second: Iwaizumi in the morning. Catching him at any time before 9:00 can be fatal, but angry Iwa-chan is hilarious Iwa-chan.

_ Bam bam bam! _

“Open the door, Shittykawa!”

Speak of the devil.

I opened the door to reveal a drenched and shivering Iwaizumi. He was decked out in plaid pajama pants, a large black hoodie, and the absolute ugliest pair of crocs that I had ever seen.

“Here,” he shoved the bottle of vanilla extract into my hands. “I’m going back to sleep.”

Iwaizumi spun around and began to walk away, but not before my reaction kicked in. 

“Woah, Iwa-chan!” I took a fistful of his hoodie and yanked him inside the house. “I need your help, remember?”

He stumbled at the sudden movement but made no effort to go back outside. Instead, he beelined for the couch and proceeded to flop down dramatically.

_ No protest _ , I thought.  _ That’s weird. _

I shut the door against the forceful winds and walked carefully over to where Iwaizumi laid. It was out of the ordinary for him to completely shut down without putting up a good fight, so I knew immediately that something was wrong. I shuffled closer and narrowed my eyes in an attempt to assess the situation. 

His face was buried deep in the couch cushion, so I couldn’t analyze his expression. Besides the fact that he was soaking wet, he seemed to be physically okay...

“Oh, shit!” Iwaizumi exclaimed, bolting upright.

He quickly scrambled off the couch before awkwardly flailing his arms in my general direction.

“Um, what are you…?”

“The couch!”

“Yes, you were on the couch, I don’t see what wrong with-”

“Leather!”

I looked from Iwaizumi to the couch before understanding the situation.

“OH, SHIT!”

I dropped the vanilla extract off on the coffee table and dashed to the bathroom. I fumbled around for a moment before snagging a towel off the wrack and pivoting towards the living room. I ran quickly to the couch and desperately tried to soak up what was left of the water. 

“Hey, Iwa,” I said as I aggressively pressed the towel into the cushions. “Head over to the bathroom and get out of those clothes. I’ll clean up in here.”

Iwaizumi ducked his head and trudged off to the bathroom, not bothering with any words.

“Okay, something is seriously wrong,” I muttered to myself.

I continued to knead the towel into the darkest parts of the cushions, and after a few more rounds, the stains seemed to be fading. I breathed a sigh of relief and rocked back on my heels, happy that the danger was over. 

Correction: _ possibly _ over.

Getting water on the couch was a minor inconvenience for me to clean up, but it might have been enough to set off one of Iwaizumi’s anxiety attacks. Under normal circumstances, it didn’t seem likely- but today  _ wasn’t _ “normal circumstances.” Something was wrong, and I still didn’t know what.

I walked into the bathroom to find Iwaizumi sitting on the edge of the bathtub wearing nothing but boxers and a towel wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Upon closer examination, I saw that his clothes had been flung into a sorry heap at the end of the tub. I made a mental note to bring a clothes-basket downstairs to carry them up with later. His body was facing me, but his head was turned down in a position of utter exhaustion. Because I still couldn’t see his face, I figured that it was time to confront him directly.

“Hey, what’s up with you today? Did I say something?”

“Ughhhh,” Iwaizumi groaned as he buried his face in his hands.

“So you’re just being cranky, is that it?” I teased, glad that he didn’t seem to be panicking.

“No, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi took his hands off his face to reveal the dark bags under his eyes and a paleness to his complexion that was quite abnormal. “I’m not just being cranky.”

“Oh, shit!”

Iwaizumi snorted at my exclamation and let his head fall backward. 

“I felt fine yesterday, but then I kept waking up throughout the night with terrible cold sweats and queasiness.” He shrugged. “I have no idea what it is, but I feel like absolute shit.”

Iwaizumi never got sick, so it was worrisome that he was feeling a little more than under the weather today. 

“Have you taken your temperature?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s probably just a cold,” he said. “I’m going to tough it out.”

“Iwa-chan,” I lightly smacked him upside the head and moved to get the thermometer. “You know you can’t just ‘tough things out.’ It’s not healthy.”

“That’s rich,” Iwaizumi chuckled. “Who played all throughout that junior high tournament with a sprained knee? What was his name, hmm...Shittykawa? Trashykawa? Man, I don’t remember. He had such a forgettable face…”

I gave Iwaizumi’s shin a swift kick and turned to the sink. I rifled through the drawer below it before locating both the thermometer and flashlight. I then placed the flashlight on the counter and sat down to the left of Iwaizumi, turning my chest to try and get a better angle at his forehead.

“Hey, what are you-”

“Taking your temperature,” I stated. “If you could just turn a little- no, this way-”

“Why don’t you- hey-”

“Umph!” Iwaizumi grunted as I kicked my right leg up and over to the other side of him, settling my weight on his upper thighs. 

I twisted my hips to reach a more comfortable sitting position, and said, “Hold still, okay?”

Iwaizumi muttered something indecipherable, apparently too tired to argue. 

I brushed his hair up and away from his forehead before bringing the thermometer to his left temple. He twitched slightly at the cold touch on his skin before gradually leaning into it.  _ He must be feeling really feverish _ , I thought to myself.

_ Beep! Beep! Beep! _

I slowly ran the thermometer from one side of his head to the other, pressing it firmly against his flaming skin. When I reached his right temple, I pulled the device away and read the temperature.

“Oh my god…” I breathed as I saw the number 102.8℉ (39.3℃) flash on the screen.

“What is it?” Iwaizumi asked.

“High. Very high.” 

I quickly pressed the ‘clear’ button and twisted around to grab the flashlight. 

“Does your throat hurt at all?” I asked as I extended my arm to try and reach the counter. “Because I- oh!”

I gasped as gravity got the better of me, pulling me off of Iwaizumi and towards the floor. I closed my eyes and braced for impact when I suddenly felt a pair of strong arms grasping my t-shirt and quickly wrapping around my waist.

“Iwa-chan!” I guffawed as I regained my balance.

“You gotta be more careful, Shittykawa,” he said, loosening his grip on me. “And no, my throat doesn’t hurt. It’s probably just a sinus thing.”

“Mhm…” I hummed, keeping his temperature in mind. “I’ll make you some soup anyway.”

“Hah,” Iwa snorted, releasing his grip on my waist. “You just want the excuse to cook something.” 

“Maybe,” I laughed as I climbed off of his lap and made my way into the kitchen. “You know Mom and Dad never let me cook without supervision from someone, but I think you count as a person. And anyway, this isn’t cooking so much as heating something up.”

“Whatever you say,” Iwaizumi sighed as he trudged along behind me.

There were a few beats of silence in which I pondered the various types of soup that Iwaizumi might like.

“Hey, Oikawa.”

“Hm?” I asked as I kept on my path towards the kitchen.

“Can I have some clothes?”

“Gah!” I twitched and abruptly turned around. “Yes! Yes. Go up to my room and pick out whatever!”

“Ah, thanks,” Iwaizumi said as he turned and walked towards the stairs.

I looked briefly over my shoulder and caught a glimpse of Iwaizumi walking up the steps. His entire appearance was disheveled, but his presence was perfectly placed- he belonged here. He belonged in these safe moments with me.

“Oh, and Iwa,” I called after him, suddenly remembering my earlier thought. “Bring down a laundry basket for your clothes!”

“Kay!”

I walked over to the cabinet and grabbed an arbitrary can of soup from its shelf. After setting it down on the counter, I immediately took my head in my hands.

_ Oh, fuck _ , I thought.  _ What was that?  _

Iwaizumi is my best friend. The operative word there being  _ friend. _ He always has been and he always will be. “Best friends forever-” that’s how the saying goes. So, it’s not weird to want to be around your best friend forever. That’s just normal.

Right?

The creaking of floorboards pulled me out of my thoughts. I kept my eyes focused on the can of soup as I heard Iwaizumi rifling around in the bathroom.

_ He must be getting his clothes _ , I thought.

“I’m gonna go upstairs and put these clothes in the drier,” he called in my vague direction.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks!” 

I took a deep breath and picked up the can. I twirled it around and around in my hands, thinking of every excuse in the book as to why my feelings for Iwaizumi were purely platonic. I wasn’t exactly sure of how long I stood there before realizing that I actually needed to read the directions and make the soup. 

Suddenly, a momentous boom of thunder engulfed the house in sound. I jerked violently nearly dropped the can. 

“Fuck!” I shouted.

“You good?” 

I whipped around to see Iwaizumi standing in the doorway. He was wearing a pair of my old Kitagawa Daiichi sweatpants, which were rolled up once or twice at the ankles. He was also donning a grey hoodie, the existence of which I had forgotten entirely. The sleeves were a bit too long for him, so the fabric was bunched up around his wrists. His expression told me that he was too exhausted to care what he looked like, but his fidgeting told a different story.

“I know the sweatpants are old, and I’ve never really seen you in the hoodie, so I figured it was old as well…”

“Oh, um, yeah. You can keep it if you want.”

“Really? Are you sure you don’t want it?”

“Yeah. It looks better on you, anyway.”

Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows and shot me a shit-eating grin.

_ Please, not today,  _ I thought.

“Did the great Oikawa Tooru just call me attractive?”

“Iwa-chan, I think your fever is giving you hallucinations,” I tutted and shooed him out the door. “Go, go- I’m trying to make your soup.”

I pushed him towards the couch as he cackled mercilessly.

“I’m not forgetting this, you know! I’ll probably bring it up at your wedding!”

“Hajime.” I gripped his shoulder and swung him around so that I could get right in his face. “I will make your death look like an accident.”

“As if!” Iwaizumi laughed and stuck his tongue out at me. “I’m not scared of you, Trashykawa.”

“Wow, pulling one of my own moves on me, huh? How classy.” I stuck my tongue out right back at him.

Iwaizumi chuckled one final time before I shoved him away and walked back into the kitchen, my heartbeat erratic.

I poured the can of soup into a bowl, added water, and put it into the microwave. I then walked past the door and looked into the living room just in time to see Iwaizumi peeking over the couch at me.

“Hey!” I exclaimed. “Do you not trust me to make soup?”

“Oh please, we both remember that time when you managed to ruin ramen,” he quipped. “Ramen! It’s the easiest thing in the world to make, and yet…”

“Look, don’t make me come over there and beat your sorry ass up!” I raised a spoon threateningly. “I have weapons.”

“Oooh, I’m so terrified,” Iwaizumi sniggered. “Bite me.”

The microwave began to beep just as I moved towards the living room, spoon in hand. 

“You get lucky this time, Iwa-chan,” I scowled. “But you’d better watch your back.”

He laughed as I walked away, the sound drowning out the rain and ringing through the room. I took the soup out of the microwave and brought it over to the couch, grabbing a few napkins as I went.

“Here,” I said as I handed Iwaizumi the bowl, followed by a handful of napkins. “You’re probably going to need these as well.”

“Are you calling me sloppy?” Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow at me.

“You insult my cooking skills, I insult your eating habits,” I shrugged, making a move to sit down next to him.

“Hey, wait- while you’re up, would you grab the remote?” He shot me an apologetic smile.

“Hmm…” I toyed with my hair. “I dunno Iwa-chan, what are the magic words?”

“Noo, not this again,” he groaned.

“Oh, indeed,” I smiled smugly. “Do you want the remote or not?”

“I hate you.”

“Incorrect! Try again.”

Iwaizumi sighed, scrunching his nose before saying, “Oikawa is the best, and Iwaizumi is a dumbass.”

“Aw, Iwa-chan,” I laughed and ruffled his hair. “Don’t be so hard on yourself!”

“Shut up, Shittykawa!” 

I grabbed the remote from the TV stand and made my way back over to the couch, snatching a blanket from the recliner as I went.

“What do you want to watch?” I asked Iwaizumi, knowing full well that I would be able to turn to whatever station I wanted once he fell asleep.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” he managed through a mouthful of soup.

“Famous last words, Iwa-chan,” I smiled as I navigated my way to the Discovery Channel.

“Your antics can’t get to me today,” Iwaizumi yawned. “I’m too tired.”

“Then take a nap,” I said, opening the blanket and tossing it over us.

“Mm, I just might.”

We watched a documentary on penguins as Iwaizumi grew closer and closer to sleep. He had finished the soup almost instantly, and I genuinely had to wonder about the last time that he ate. The empty bowl was at rest on the coffee table along with the thermometer, the forgotten vanilla extract, and an array of used napkins. 

“Hey, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi mumbled, eyes only half-open.

“Mhm?”

“I’m just gonna,” he paused to take a massive yawn, “gonna...shut my eyes for just a second.” 

I watched as his head slumped onto his shoulder.

“‘Just for a second,’ sure,” I scoffed.

No more than five minutes later, Iwaizumi was out cold. He was slowly but surely toppling towards me, so I took his head and laid it gently in my lap. The blanket provided good cushioning and warmth, so much so that I became a bit sleepy myself. The documentary rolled on, but I lost focus within minutes. 

I began to run my fingers through his thick, dark hair. I used to use it purely as a way to calm him down and let him know that I was there for him, but lately, it had turned into more than that. Whenever I was overthinking a particular problem or pushed to my limit, Iwaizumi would gently rub my head to let me know that he was there for me, too. An outsider might see it as a simple friendly or condescending gesture, but for us, it meant undying trust.

The rain had slowed to a soft patter and the thunder could be heard from farther away, which meant that the storm must be dissipating. The sunlight was now streaming through the room as I gazed down at Iwaizumi, who was still resting peacefully in my lap. I was studying his features under the golden gaze of the sun when I felt my heartbeat begin to flutter. Something warm and bright was humming inside of my chest, and I remember feeling so at peace in that moment.  _ That _ was when it hit me.

As I said, there wasn’t some big moment where the angels started to sing and cupid himself came down and shot me through the chest. No, none of that at all- it just kind of...happened. 

I took a deep breath through my nose and let it out through my mouth, grappling with the momentous explosion in my chest. 

_ I’m in love with him. _

I let the words burn into my mind before coming to the realization that, well, there was no way that I  _ couldn’t _ be in love with him. There was just no way. 

Iwaizumi was my entire world, and therefore everything that mattered to me. I thought back to all of the times that I’d given up what I was doing to support him, and all of the times that he’d done the exact same for me. We were always a unit-  _ Oikawa and Iwaizumi, _ and that’s the simple truth. Everyone knew that where one went, the other would follow. It might be weird for a boy to be in love with his best friend, but I didn’t care back then and I don’t care now. People can say whatever they want, but I know that nothing will ever stop me from loving Iwaizumi Hajime. We’re not perfect, but we’re  _ us _ \- and in the end, that’s all that matters.


	4. Extraterrestrial (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so self-indulgent and I have no regrets.

At first glance, I don’t seem to be the emotional type. And really, I’m not- I’ve always kept my feelings close to my chest, I don’t muss over the past, and I never know what to do when people cry. But somehow, just like everything else in my life, Oikawa seems to be the exception to that. I cry in front of him when I’m upset, I worry over every comment that might hurt his feelings, and when he cries, I hold him close. He’s always so thoughtful and sincere towards me that I feel eternally indebted to be the same. Nothing that I ever do for him seems to be as meaningful as what he does for me.

But that year-  _ that year-  _ I felt like I had seriously thrown him off his game. I’d been planning his birthday present for months, and I knew that he would be blown away by the surprise. That is, if he ever let it happen.

“But why can’t Iwa-chan go?”

“Because,” Oikawa’s dad said, “this is a father-son bonding experience. Can’t a guy get some quality time with his birthday-boy around here?”

“Sure, sure,” Oikawa said as he rolled his eyes. “But this is bowling! You suck at bowling! We’ll have to use the guards like the little kids do!”

“Aw, squirt,” Mr. Oikawa laughed and squeezed Oikawa’s shoulders. “Spoken like a true little kid.”

“Hey, it’s my birthday! Be nice!”

Oikawa ducked out of his dad’s grasp and rushed towards me.

“Iwa-chan, run away with me!”

“Not likely,” I said before snagging his shirt as he tried to dart past me and make a run up the stairs.

“Tooru, if you don’t start behaving like an adult, I’ll withhold all birthday presents from you until you turn 18.”

Have I ever mentioned just how much I love Mrs. Oikawa?

“Moooom,” Oikawa whined as he trudged back into the living room.

“Off you go, boys!” Mrs. Oikawa called, a threatening smile present on her face.

Oikawa huffed before slipping into his shoes and reluctantly moving out the door. His dad turned and gave me a cartoonish wink before setting off behind his son, and with that, the plan could finally begin.

“Thank you for doing all of this,” I said to Mrs. Oikawa.

“No problem, sweetie,” she smiled. “If you need anything, do let me know.”

I nodded and began up the steps before remembering that I did, in fact, need something. 

“Oh- um, actually, do you have a stepladder that I can use?”

“A stepladder? Hmm. Yes, I believe we’ve got one tucked away in the upstairs closet. It should be on your right.”

“Thank you!”

I cleared the rest of the steps and made my way to the closet. I opened the door and grabbed the stepladder before carrying it over to Oikawa’s room. 

_ Plan “Best-Birthday-Ever” is in motion. _

I reached under the bed and pulled out a box of supplies that I had made sure to stash there about a week prior. Oikawa might be observant on the court, but he can be as unaware as they come when he’s at home. That within itself was what made this birthday present truly special: Oikawa had no idea.

He could usually tell what I was going to get him before I even knew for myself, but that year was different. Oikawa could notice the tiniest details if he had an inkling of where to look, but that year, the surprise was coming out of left field. There was no possible way that he could know what I had been planning.

I carefully laid the contents of the box out onto the floor. I had done as much as I could to prepare before today, but this final process would take at least an hour. I took a quick glimpse at the clock, which showed 9:04 AM.

_ There’s no time to waste! _

I unrolled the large piece of graphing paper out in front of me, making sure to carefully align each drawn corner with its respective corner in reality. I quickly taped its edges down to the floor after making sure that I could see the paper from atop the stepladder.

“Okay,” I whispered into the empty room. “Here we go.”

I picked the first star up off of the carefully-curated pile and checked its back to make sure that I was correct. The number  _ 1 _ greeted me. 

_ Perfect! _

I had bought stick-on stars from a local craft store, which had naturally come in the shape of “stars.” Oikawa, however, had always been adamant that “those weren't _ real  _ star shapes, Iwa-chan,” and that “they should actually be round, if not spherical.” So, I had cut each star shape into a circle, and their sizes depended on their respective brightnesses. I had mapped out the night sky above the Oikawas’ house about a month ago, and I had also taken note of which stars should be bigger and which smaller. I wanted everything to be as accurate as possible, so much so that I made a ratio of the distance from one star to another in the sky versus their distance apart on Oikawa’s ceiling.

Everything was going to be perfect.

I had about 100 stars to put up, some as large as quarters and some so small that I had to use a hole-puncher to create them. It would be a daunting task, but I knew that the look of shock on Oikawa’s face would be worth it.

_ One star, two stars, three, four, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty-five- _

“Iwaizumi!” I was startled out of my rhythm as Oikawa’s mom called for me.

“Ma’am?” 

“Ben just texted me! They’re about to start their second game!” 

“Ah, thank you!” 

I glanced towards the clock, which blinked 9:43 AM.

“Pick up the pace, Hajime,” I muttered to myself.

I kept sticking stars on the ceiling until my head was spinning from all of the movement. I only had 11 stars left to put up, but I knew that I needed a quick break. I hopped carefully off of the stepladder and took a long swig of water, only then realizing how exhausted my arms were.

“Knock knock!” Mrs. Oikawa called from outside the room.

“Come in!” I replied, wiping the sweat off of my brow.

“They’re leaving the bowling alley right now! Ben wanted me to ask you if you need more time. He says that he can take Oikawa out for ice cream if you…” Her voice trailed off as she looked up at the ceiling.

I began to fidget as she raised a hand to her chest, her mouth agape in an expression that I couldn’t quite read.

“I’m sorry, I should have asked you for your permission first! I totally wasn’t thinking, I-”

“Oh, Iwaizumi, no!” Mrs. Oikawa exclaimed. “I wasn’t looking on in disapproval, I was just admiring your work! This is absolutely breathtaking- Oikawa will love this.”

“Ah, well, I really hope so,” I said as I rubbed the back of my neck.

We stood in a serene silence before realizing that the birthday boy would be coming home at any minute.

“Oh! Should I text Ben that you’re good on time?” Mrs. Oikawa asked.

“No! Please, I have 11 more stars to go and I still have to remove the evidence,” I said as I gestured towards the graphing paper and pile of sticker backs. “Could he buy me just a little more time?”

“Sure thing! Let me go text him while you get back to work.”

“Okay, thank you so much!”

I blew through the last 11 stars with ease, an adrenaline rush pumping through my veins. I pressed the final star into place and wasted no time admiring my work; instead, I swiftly picked up the sticker trash and shoved the graphing paper back into its box. I then darted over to my room and threw the box under my bed before skittering back into the Oikawas’ house with ease. I didn’t look back as I left Oikawa’s room, and I even made sure to shut the door tightly before making my exit. I didn’t want the birthday boy to ruin his own surprise.

I was bouncing off of the last step right as Oikawa and his dad walked through the door, one significantly more upbeat than the other.

“Darling, guess what?” Oikawa’s dad beamed.

“What, honey?” Mrs. Oikawa asked as she entered from the kitchen.

“I won every single game!”

Oikawa sulked in the background, his nose scrunched in disapproval. “We only played two games.”

“Ah, a sore loser, are we? That’s why I got you ice cream- to chill the buuurn of your defeat!”

“Ben, that was terrible,” Mrs. Oikawa stifled her laughter as Oikawa groaned.

“No traumatic dad-puns on my birthday!”

“Son,” Mr. Oikawa said as he put his hands on his son’s shoulders. “I’m the reason you _ have _ a birthday.”

The house erupted in a mixture of laughter and cries as Oikawa pulled away from his dad, who was now doubled over at his own joke.

The rest of the day passed in bouts of conversation and cake, and as the sun crept closer to the horizon, I became increasingly nervous. When the last of Oikawa’s friends waved goodbye, I realized that it was only the Oikawa family and mine that remained at the house. My mom was chatting with Mrs. Oikawa while my dad and Mr. Oikawa laughed over some ridiculous game of cards. It was interesting to see my parents so untroubled, and if I could have captured that moment in time, I certainly would have. Oikawa and I were occupying the couch, his feet resting lazily in my lap. I occasionally let him get away with little things like this.

I couldn’t help but glance at the clock for what felt like the millionth time in a row. I wasn’t watching whatever flashed across the TV- some sort of documentary, I guessed- but I sat in silence nonetheless. I watched the clock strike 9 out of the corner of my eye and prayed that one of my parents would get tired already.

“David,” my mom called. “It’s time to go. We have work tomorrow, and I’m sure that the Oikawa’s have had a busy day.”

_ Finally! _

“Aw, you know, Clara’s right. We should head out,” my dad said as he got up from the table. “But just so know, I totally would have won this game.”

“As if!”

The men chuckled as they said their goodbyes. My mom thanked Mrs. Oikawa for the lovely time while I anxiously awaited their departure. 

“See you tomorrow, Hajime!” My mom smiled as she walked my father out the door.

“See ya!” I called after them.

“Well, I’m certainly exhausted. Ben and I are going to head up to bed, but you boys feel free to stay up and watch whatever you want,” Mrs. Oikawa offered.

“Thanks, Mom,” Oikawa managed through a yawn.

“Thank you!” I grinned, catching her eye as she walked away. There was a soft smile that graced her lips.

I turned to Oikawa and cocked my head to the side. “It looks like someone’s tired already.”

“Oh shut up, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa retorted as he sunk lower into the couch.

As we continued to watch the television, Oikawa became more and more restless. He would drum his fingers on the arm of the couch and work the inside of his cheek, all while keeping a careful eye on the clock.

I lost my patience at 11:47 PM.

“Are you waiting on something or what?”

“Wha-no! No. I’m not.” Oikawa frowned and looked away.

“Yeah, you are. Something’s up,” I said as I scooted closer. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Seriously!”

I sighed and let my full body-weight come crashing down onto his chest.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa exclaimed.

“Look, we both know you’re hiding something. You might as well tell me what it is now rather than later.”

Oikawa fidgeted but held my stare. He seemed to be weighing the outcomes of his options before responding.

“It’s silly. I just was thinking- well, wondering- why you didn’t get me a birthday present this year,” he said. “But it’s not even a big deal because I don’t really need anything anyway, and just you being here is-”

“Oikawa.”

He stared up at me expectantly, and my ability to speak suddenly disappeared.

“I, uh, did get you a birthday present.”

_ Very original, Hajime. _

“What?”

I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. “It’s better if I show you.”

I could feel the tendrils of excitement and nervousness tangle in my stomach. I stopped outside of Oikawa’s closed door and turned to face him, taking comfort in the fact that my hand was still secure in his.

“So, you know how we’ve kinda been keeping you out of your room all day?”

“Uh,” Oikawa pondered. “I guess? I wasn’t really paying attention.”

“Yeah, well, um. We were, and-”

“Wait, we?”

“Oh.” I felt my face flush with embarrassment. “Yeah, your mom and dad were in on it. I needed someone to help get you out of the house.”

“You bastard!” Oikawa laughed as he hit my arm. “I had to go bowling with my dad!”

“Well, I think it’ll be worth it.”

Oikawa’s grin melted into an enigmatic expression. “You’re genuinely nervous about this, aren’t you?”

“N-no! I’m just so ready for the suspense to be over.” I reached for the doorknob, but Oikawa grabbed my wrist before I could twist it open. 

“Hey,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. “You know I’ll love it no matter what, right?”

“Um, yeah…” I looked down in an attempt to avoid any more intense stares. “I think I’ll just feel better if you go ahead and look.”

“Whatever you say, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa smiled, turned the handle, and walked in. His head immediately lifted toward the ceiling, and I could see the soft light of the stars dancing in his eyes. 

I quietly shut the door behind us and walked over to the bed, exhaustion washing over me. I watched as Oikawa stood perfectly still, his eyes flicking from star to star. I wondered for a brief moment if I had stepped out of line.

“Is it too much? I can take them down if you want me t-”

I felt the impact of Oikawa’s weight hit me before I knew what was happening. I crashed into the mattress as he sidled in next to me, our bodies flush from head to toe. I calmed my erratic heartbeat as Oikawa grabbed my hand, filling his grip with the emotions that words could not express. When a tear from his cheek hit mine, I knew that he understood. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m terrible at expressing my emotions through words. By giving Oikawa this gift, I was able to show him just how much I cared without saying a word. Every star represented an individual aspect of him, and I took the time and energy to place them all in perfect harmony. The gist of the message was that even if parts of him were different or weird or broken, they could all come together to form one spectacular human being.

“Happy birthday,” I whispered, pressing my head closer against his.

Oikawa pressed back and squeezed my hand. “Thank you.”

The side of his face was wet with tears, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d upset him somehow. “Do you-”

“I love it.”

“Are you-”

“I’m sure.”

I said nothing more as we laid in the dim light of his room. Sleep overtook us, but the memory would remain etched into my mind for years to come. There was something so beautiful about knowing that I had thrown myself into the deep end, all jokes and playful banter aside. In my mind, I would have said to him,  _ ‘Here you go, Oikawa, here’s how I feel. I wrote you a story made of stars upon your ceiling, and I really hope that you like it. It’s you, see? You’re the stars- inexplicable yet familiar, overwhelming yet serene, one person in a world of many yet the only one that I can see. You’re extraterrestrial, but in the very best way.’ _ He would have laughed at that, I know. He would remark on so many of the things that I didn’t say and still haven’t said. I hope that one day, I’ll gain the courage to speak to them.


	5. Moment of Weakness (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all BIG TRIGGER WARNING because there's a depiction of self-harm in this chapter that could be considered graphic to some readers. If you could be upset by this in any way, please read with caution.
> 
> Secondly, I just want to say that everyone has a unique experience with mental illness. Not everyone breaks down the same way, so while the events in this chapter may not reflect your personal experience, they're valid. I happen to a) be a volleyball player myself, b) have a perpetual knee injury, and c) have personal experience with mental illnesses. Most of the detailed descriptions in this chapter are based on my past experiences, and I drew mainly from the feeling of utter failure. That moment when you're playing the most important game of your life and suddenly you've lost, and everything is over, and you can never replicate that moment of bliss right before the fall. Oikawa's been through a lot, and I hope that seeing such a strong character break down is eye-opening. No one is "too good" to have a mental illness, and I hope that this chapter showcases that.
> 
> Oh also there's a quote from BBC Sherlock in here and if you catch it I will love you forever! :)

There’s something about strong people that allows you to be weak. When I’m in front of my team or my family, I’m always smiling, laughing, and joking around. It’s not difficult to live a lie that you’ve been practicing for your entire life.

But here’s the problem: Iwaizumi Hajime. To be fair, I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t at the epicenter of all of my issues, but that’s beside the point.

The fact of the matter is that he’s too strong. He’s been through so much and yet he’s still fighting, still living, still taking care of me. I don’t break down in front of my friends, but then again, Iwa-chan has never really been just a friend, has he?

Am I a horrible person?

I wish that I could be strong when I’m around him, but something always gives me away. He tells me that he can see through every fake smile and forced laugh, yet somehow my childish pining has gone unnoticed. He’s funny like that. I always end up leaning on him like a crutch, and it makes me so unbearably sad that I need him more than he needs me. I want nothing more than to settle the score between us. We could be _just two friends who need each other equally_ \- no love, no hurt, just that. Maybe then everything would be less painful.

I’ve tried to get even countless ways, but they always seem to fall through. When Iwaizumi is upset about something, I’m there to help him through it. The problem arises when we’re halfway through a discussion and he’ll suddenly start feeling better. And just like that, he doesn’t need me anymore, and I go back to being the one who he has to fix at every turn. It’s unfair how quickly he can bounce back from the lows that take me days to recover from.

Does that make me so terrible? Wanting someone to need me as much as I need them?

I guess it doesn’t really matter. I can try as much as I like, but I will never be as strong as Iwaizumi Hajime. He has his weaknesses, it’s true, but he always gets up after every hit that he takes. And he never _ever_ brings unnecessary pain on himself. Oh, how I wish that I could say the same.

I remember the very first time that it happened; in fact, I still find myself waking up in cold sweats from the memory. It was one of those things that you would expect to disappear after two years, but I’m still left reeling in the aftershock. I was only 15 at the time, and 15 years old is far too young for anyone to hit the self destruct button.

“C’mon trashykawa, we have to go,” Iwaizumi said as he began picking up the volleyballs strewn all over the gym.

“One more serve,” I mumbled into my sleeve as I wiped the sweat off my face.

I threw the ball high into the air and began my approach. 

_Left- right-left- up!_

I soared towards the ball and watched it meet my hand before flying over the net.

“Hah! Iwa-chan, did you-”

My voice was cut off as I hit the ground, and I felt my right leg buckle under me while pain ripped through my kneecap. I let out a gasp as my back slammed into the floor.

“Oikawa!” 

I heard Iwaizumi rush over to me as I tried to blink away the pain.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

I took a deep breath and slowly propped myself up. 

_You can do it_ , I thought as I coaxed myself into a sitting position. _Breathe. Everything is fine._

“I’m okay Iwa-chan, I just slipped!”

“No the fuck you didn’t. Show me your knee.”

“Seriously, it’s fine,” I laughed as he bent down and began to examine my knee.

After poking and prodding my right knee for a couple of seconds, he moved around so that he could put one hand on each knee. Eyes closed in concentration, I let him discover what we both already knew.

“No, it’s not fine. It’s swollen. Come here,” Iwaiumi said as he grabbed my side and tried to pull me up. “We need to get you home and ice this as soon as possible.” 

“Iwa-chan, are you my mom?”

Iwaizumi’s eyes flashed as he turned his head to stare directly into my soul.

_“What?”_

“Nothing, nothing!” I quickly covered.

Iwaizumi shook his head and kept dragging me along towards the bench. My right arm was positioned around his shoulders while his left arm was wrapped securely around my waist. I drank up the feeling of being this close to him, and the high was almost enough to counter the unbearable pain in my knee. 

As Iwaizumi’s hands cautiously guided me down onto the bench, I could feel the tremors in his touch. The thought that I caused that- _I did that_ \- was almost too much to bear. Almost.

When the contact was broken, I exhaled for the first time in what felt like forever.

“Sit here and keep your knee raised. I’m going to clean up, and after that, we’re going home. No games, trashykawa- I don’t want you off this bench.” 

With a stern look on his face, Iwaizumi turned around and started to clean the gym. It was the least I could do to keep my knee raised, so I hiked my right leg up onto the bench. _That should do_ , I thought. 

I closed my eyes and laid down on the bench. The cold metal pressed into my back as I focused on my breathing, trying to get a grip on myself. 

Today had been a rough day long before this occurrence. It was the last day before summer break (which Iwaizumi repeatedly said that I needed), but I wasn’t ready to be out of school. It wasn’t like I didn’t have any friends outside of school, but...well. That’s exactly what it was like.

But more than friends, more than school, more than anything, I was going to miss volleyball. It was my first year at Aoba Johsai, and we didn’t make it to nationals. _We have two more years_ , I said to myself. _Two more years_.

You know what? This is actually Ushijima’s fault. If he didn’t have to be so goddamn good at volleyball, then maybe I wouldn’t have trained this hard. Maybe I wouldn’t be hurt right now.

_But we both know that’s not quite true._

“Let’s go, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi said, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Here, put your arm around me- I can hold you.”

I sat up and put my arm around Iwaizumi’s shoulders as he tightened his grip on my waist. I could feel my pulse quicken at the contact, but I ignored it in favor of the pain in my knee.

Once we were both standing, Iwaizumi bent down and grabbed our volleyball bags.

“Iwa-chan, I can carry my bag,” I protested.

“Nope,” he stated, swinging them both over his shoulder.

The strange look on his face told me not to argue.

I can usually read him without any issue, but this was different. His expression wasn’t angry, it was just...worried? Sad? Conflicted?

We made our way home in silence. I managed to stifle my grunts of pain throughout the walk, so I permitted myself a sigh of relief when we reached my house.

“I’m alright, Iwa-chan, I can make it inside from here,” I smiled.

“Right, here’s your bag. I’m coming to check on you later, so you’d better be icing that knee.”

“I will, I swear!”

“Yeah, okay,” Iwaizumi nodded.

_What’s he thinking?_

“Take care.”

“I always do.”

I made my way into the house and walked carefully up to my room. I knew that I was walking, I knew that I was opening the door, I knew that I was flopping down onto my bed. But it didn’t feel like me. The tears falling down my cheeks were foreign, my body felt hollow, and suddenly I was floating.

Floating away from it all.

Drifting away in a sea of expectations that slowly but surely dragged me under the surface. The tendrils of sorrow and disappointment bound my ankles and pulled me down, down into the deepest part of the ocean where there is nothing and no one to keep the darkness at bay. 

_This is a place of monsters._

I choked back a sob that made my throat burn, and it felt as though I was drowning. Water poured into my nose and mouth as I gasped for air, crying for anything to pull me out of this whirlwind of feelings and mess of life.

But no one heard me.

That’s the problem with words. You actually have to say them.

_Help me._

Drowning in water is just as quiet as drowning in your own words.

_Please make it stop._

I don’t know if I’m supposed to be scared. 

“I want to go away,” I whispered into the darkness.

_Bingo._

I stood up and felt my whole body sway with dizziness. When I closed my eyes, all that I could see was static- _static static static_ \- _everything about me is static_ , I thought. _I’m never getting better. Nothing is changing. The world keeps going and I’m here, just here, existing- not living- just being. I don’t want to be anything anymore._

I took a breath and stumbled into my bathroom, not remembering the walk there and not caring enough to think about it. I pulled open the drawer just below the sink and grabbed a new razor blade. I tilted it in my fingers just enough to catch the bathroom lights. _It’s so pretty_ , I thought as the light flickered off its facets.

“So ironic,” I mumbled as I caught a glimpse of my disheveled face in the mirror.

_A pretty blade for the broken boy._

I took the cardboard covering off the edge of the blade and pressed it lightly on my inner wrist. The contrast of cold metal on warm skin sent shivers up my spine. I drew the blade back and lightly made the first cutting motion, which felt like nothing more than a papercut. I tried again harder, this time drawing small droplets of blood in a line where the razor had grazed my skin. My vision began to blur after six or seven more strokes, and I gasped as a large drop of blood rolled from my mid-forearm down into my palm. 

_What the fuck?_

The minutes seemed to skip by before I wiped my eyes and looked down. I was able to make out a trail of horizontal marks stretching the length of my forearm, and I noticed that a few stray drops of blood had found their way onto the floor. 

_After you drown, you’re pulled out dripping_.

I threw the blade into the sink and made my way to the corner of the bathroom, collapsing with exhaustion. I pressed my back into one wall and leaned against the other, praying for sleep to take me. The last thing that I remembered before falling into the darkness were the shadows. They liked to talk to me.

_This is as good as it gets._

\- - -

“...kawa! Oikawa! Wake up!”

I shot up and away from the wall, knocking into a startled Iwaizumi. After my eyes properly focused, I was able to see the tears streaming down his face and feel the tremor in his hands. 

_Congratulations, you’ve made a scene._

It took me a little longer to register the fact that he was talking to me.

“Are you listening to me??” Iwa’s voice broke as he gripped my shoulders. 

_What do you have to say for yourself?_

“Um,” I gazed up at him. “No?”

“God damn it Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said as he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.

At that point, I was certain that his arms were the only things holding me together.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I came to check on you and make sure that you were icing your knee but you weren’t in your room and I called to you and I couldn’t find you and the bathroom light was on so I just went in and I saw the blood and the blade and then you- you were- I thought-”

“Iwa,” I breathed into his shoulder and tightened my grip on his shirt. “I’m here. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not,” he pulled back and gently held my newly bandaged arm in his hands. “You’re not.”

“When did that happen?” I asked with a nod toward the bandages.

“You were out cold. I cleaned you up and put some Neosporin on the...the marks, you know, so they’ll heal faster. You’re so damn lucky that this was the last practice before summer,” he said. “Otherwise, I don’t know what you’d do to hide this.”

“Hide it?”

“Well, yeah, I don’t think you’d want to parade around the fact that-”

“Am I that much of an embarrassment to you?”

“No! No, of course not, that’s not what I meant!”

“Sure.”

“Oikawa-”

“No! No, nono. My bad. I’m overreacting. It just...look,” I sighed. “It was a moment of weakness, that’s all. I’m alright, for real.”

“No, you don’t understand!” Iwaizumi cried, taking a deep breath. “This is, this is just NOT okay, I thought that you, at first I thought- oh Oikawa, I don’t know what I’d do if you-” his breathing hitched and his eyes widened, revealing the beginning of an anxiety attack.

_Now you’ve really done it._

“Iwa-chan, listen to me,” I gripped his knee and made my voice steady and clear. “I am right here. I’m not going anywhere. This was a one-time thing, and I assure you that it won’t happen again. Believe me,” I looked down to the floor. “I already regret it.”

I stayed still until Iwaizumi’s breathing evened out and he wiped his eyes.

“You know what?”

“What?” 

“You never iced your knee.”

“Iwa-chan.”

“Nah c’mon, get up,” Iwaizumi gave a faint smile as he rose and pulled me to my feet. “You’re going to bed and I’m getting you ice.”

“Such a mother hen, Iwa-chan!”

“Oh DO shut up, won’t you?”

We made our way to the bed, Iwaizumi supported me while I hobbled along. He moved my bag off the bed and made his way to the door.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back with ice,” he said as he left my room.

I thought for a moment about how terrible it would be if my parents were home. They both worked second shift jobs and didn’t get home until 12 AM. I suppose that I was lucky, considering that I was able to see them every morning, whereas Iwa-chan only saw his dad during the weekends. After his mom’s death this past September, his dad came home even less.

“Hey,” Iwaizumi said as he reentered the room. “I got you some ice from the freezer. Put it on your knee- I’ll be right back.”

I watched as he slipped out the window to his room, a movement that we’d both mastered over the years. We rarely bothered to come see each other the traditional way, and why would we when the roof was a far faster route to take.

Moments later, Iwaizumi crawled back through the window sporting his old Kitagawa Daiichi sweatpants and a horrendous Godzilla t-shirt. After closing the window, he walked over to the light switch and plunged the room into only the light of the stars.

“Iwa-chan?” I asked before feeling the bed dip under his weight.

He said nothing as he settled in under the covers and pressed himself against my side, wrapping an arm around my waist and effectively short-circuiting my brain. His head rested under my arm, and I felt his legs tangle themselves in mine. 

“Get some sleep, Oikawa.”

“Right,” I breathed.

I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’ll always be grateful that he’s here in my life. It’s now been 9 years since we met and 2 years since that occurrence, and Iwaizumi has been there for me every step of the way. I wish that I could tell him how much he means to me, but the words never seem to come out right. I’ve never been the best at expressing my emotions, but then again, it’s hard to tell your childhood best friend that you’ve been in love with him for the past 4 years.

But I guess that’s a good thing, really, because telling him would ruin everything. I thought that back then and I still think it now. We’ve been side-by-side forever, and I love him too much to put another unnecessary worry on his plate. Some days, though, I almost can’t help it. When his smile is so bright, when his laugh is so pure, when his heart glows gold- that’s when I want to tell him. I wanted to tell him back then. So, so badly. But I didn’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

I might be on the surface of the water, but I’m nowhere near out of it. Every time I go to tell him, my doubts pull me back under. He’s both keeping me afloat while also dragging me down, which is a fine line to walk, but he does it well. That’s another thing holding me back- I don’t want to have to depend on him. Relationships shouldn’t be one person sucking the life out of another, which is why I can’t need him as badly as I do.

Maybe that’s why I remember that night so clearly- it was the first time that I realized just how much I needed him. If I had woken up alone, would I have lived through the night? I genuinely will never know the answer to that question, and that scares me.

I fell asleep listening to his breathing. Every breath that he took was a breath that I almost didn’t have, and that was when I realized the extent to which I depended on him. In doing so, I had also placed a burden on his shoulders, and I hated that. I silently cursed everyone and everything in that moment, willing myself to either hate him or be dead, hate him or be dead.

My heart didn’t stop- it only beat faster.

And that’s the stupid thing about love- no matter how much you tell yourself that you don’t love someone, your heart will always give you away.


	6. Second Chances (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains mentions of depression, self-harm, and suicide. While it is nowhere near as descriptive as the last chapter, I thought I'd mention it anyway. Please stay safe and read only what you can handle!

There was a day when I genuinely thought that I would be the first one to break. 

We’d been through a lot at age 16- I had lost my mother and Oikawa had almost lost his life. Looking back on it from a year in the future has helped me see how little I understood anything, and I wish that someone had been there to guide me through it all. An adult, I mean. Oikawa tried his hardest, but nothing and no one can replace the gap left by a mother.

It was the first anniversary of her death, and my father was, of course, away on a business trip. He had never been the homebody type, but that was only amplified by mom’s death. The house was drenched in memories that were still too hard to process, so I honestly didn’t blame him for being gone all the time. I just wish that he’d had the decency to pretend like he cared about me.

It might seem weird, but the anniversary of her death was actually harder than the day it really happened. When she died, I felt cold. In her absence, I grew warm. My heart kept getting hotter and hotter until I melted in the searing grip of grief. You start to miss the little things the more that time goes on, and _those_ are what eat you alive. The little things.

Sooner or later, they pile up. And then they crush you. They _break_ you.

Everyone experiences a parent’s death differently, and my story goes like this.

I pull myself out of my thoughts as the alarm begins to blare.

I’m not going to school today, but I put on warm clothes anyway. I haven’t visited my mom’s grave since she died, and I keep telling myself it’s because I never have time, but it’s really because I can’t stand to be alone in her absence. Even though she said that I’m not the reason she did it, I’ll always feel like I was.

Everything blurs.

I grab my coat and head out the door. 

The September air is cold on my face as I walk to the cemetery. I make a point of being early enough to miss the school traffic because I don’t think I have the energy to explain to anyone what I’m doing or where I’m going. The sun hasn’t risen yet, and the town remains hushed as I gaze at the mournful shadows.

I think of Oikawa now, and how I wish more than anything that I could be a better friend. The truth is, it could someday be his grave that I walk to. 

I make a silent promise to do everything in my power to keep that from happening.

I turn down a narrow path that leads to a botanical garden, which my mother always loved walking through. The real irony is that her body now rests on the other side of it. 

I never even knew that there was a cemetery back here before she passed, and I suppose she didn’t, either. I let that thought taint not only the memories that I have of this place but also the happy memories that I have with her. She may have been unaware of the little things, but I’m the one who truly missed out on the big picture.

I round a bend and walk out of the garden towards the cemetery. I could have reached the same destination the easy way, but going through the garden seemed more appropriate. 

I make my way over to her gravestone and sit directly beside it, leaning my head against the side of the frigid stone. I watch my breath hang in the air as I wonder what to say.

“So, mom,” I breathe.

My hands shake as I think of everything that I wish I would have said to her back when she could actually hear me.

“I don’t know where to start.”

I think back to all of the panic attacks that I had and how mom would take me in her arms, telling me to speak “one word at a time” if I could, and that it “doesn’t matter if you can’t speak at all.”

Right now, I truly can’t speak at all.

I close my eyes and bring my legs up to my chest, trying to close the gaping hole that’s been growing there for the past year. The tears leave trails of warmth in their wake as they roll down my face. 

“So, Oikawa and I are still playing volleyball,” I begin. “He’s way too good to me, but you know that. He hasn’t hurt himself since May, which is encouraging. You would be so proud of him, I just know it. You, of all people, know what it’s like...” my voice cracks as I swallow a sob that feels as though it could tear me open. “I hope he doesn’t leave, because I couldn’t live in a world without him. He’s, well- you know, he’s everything to me. I uh...I know you said that it’s okay to like boys, but I really don’t, honest. Oikawa is just...” I paused, trying to think of the right words. “He’s my best friend.”

I shift and pull my coat tighter against my shivering body, preparing to let out the words that stayed trapped inside for so long.

“I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never noticed what you were going through; I’m sorry that I was always out; I’m sorry that I’m not the smart, talented, ambitious son that you wanted; I’m sorry for everything that you wanted me to be and I’m ashamed for everything that I’m not.”

I let my body fill with grief as I push the pain out through my words. I look down and pull her letter out of my pocket, tears wetting the page as they’ve done so many nights before. Her words leap off the paper and into my heart, telling me that it’s not my fault and that she will always love me.

I pick my next words carefully, pouring all of my emotions into their delivery.

“If you truly loved me so much, then why would you leave me?”

I clench her letter and let the guilt split me open, suffocating me with regret. I cry until there are no tears left. I cry until I’m empty.

I think of Oikawa again. I wonder if this is how he felt that night: hollow. Void of all feeling and control, ready to close his eyes and never wake up.

I don’t dare think about how my mom felt in her last moments. I couldn’t fathom it then, and I don’t think about it now. The only people who know how she really died are me, my dad, Oikawa, and his parents. My dad was ashamed to have a wife that killed herself, so he tells people that it was a heart attack. A _heart attack_.

She was 43.

I close my eyes.

I wonder if my dad even knows that today marks a year since she died. I wouldn't put it past him to forget it.

The tiredness that follows a good cry is catching up with me, and I sink lower to the ground in exhaustion.

_She was 43._

\- - -

The sunset sky is a glimmering golden when I wake up, my body stiff and tired. I haven't slept for the past couple of nights, and I must have needed to make up for the lost time. I blink my swollen eyes open and feel an unnatural warmth on my back. I twist my torso ever so slightly to find that Oikawa is the one whose arms I’m cradled in.

“How long have you been here?” I asked.

“Oh, not long,” he shrugged.

His hair was untidy and he was wearing sweatpants paired with an alien-themed hoodie, which told me that he had quite obviously not been to school today. I immediately caught the lie and decided to let it slide.

“Do you want to go home before it gets dark?” he asked.

“Yeah, I really should. Just let me say goodbye.”

Oikawa nodded and stood up, his legs apparently numb from sitting for so long. 

_What did I do to deserve you?_

He hobbled over to the botanical garden and made his way into the flowers while I turned back to mom’s gravestone. I laid a hand on the top before bending down and bringing my forehead to the granite.

I thought back to every moment of kindness that we shared- every laugh, every smile, every cut and bruise patched up and cared for, and I realized that there was no way that she couldn’t have loved me. She was there for me through every anxiety attack, every moment of doubt...every goddamn thing. I can’t believe that I ever doubted her love, and I knew that she would never doubt mine.

And that was when I realized something so obvious yet so massively complicated that it took years for me to comprehend. 

_God, how could I not see this before?_

“Love doesn’t cure the problems in your head…”

I gently kissed the granite. 

“I forgive you,” I whispered. “I forgive you.”

I swiped a stray tear off of my cheek and stood up, the sunlight flitting off the gravestone. 

They say that there’s a moment of peace after death. I think that “they” meant that there’s a moment of peace for the deceased, but what about the living? What moment of peace do we get when the fire has ceased and all that’s left are the ashes of someone who once was? 

We get second chances, that’s what.

I walked to the garden, the weight on my chest lifting ever so slightly.

“Oikawa?”

I peered around the bend and saw him waiting for me, a soft smile gracing his face.

_My second chance._

“Hey,” he said. “Ready to go?”

“No,” I laughed dryly. “But sometimes you have to know when to walk away.”

I reached out and took his hand in mine, gripping it harder than necessary. 

“Come with me.”

I pulled us hand-in-hand all the way home. 

“Iwa, where are we going?”

“Just trust me, okay?”

We made our way between the houses and down into the woods, crashing through the thicket as I picked up the pace. Running through the trees like this reminded me of a simpler time when our biggest problems were lost beetles and bruised knees. God, what a time.

I began to slow down as we entered the clearing. There was enough sunlight left to bathe the grass in a hazy sparkle, and I wondered briefly if I had the bravery to actually do this.

 _No_ , I thought. _This is my second chance._

I flopped down onto the earth, pulling Oikawa along with me.

“What are you doing?”

“I just want to talk.”

I squeezed Oikawa’s hand in mine and pressed my side against his. This had become a habit every since that day, and to us, it was a gesture that said _I’m here_. It was a promise to listen and stay together no matter what.

“You know, you could’ve just talked to me standing up,” Oikawa said as he nuzzled into my shoulder.

“Yeah, but...this is serious, and I don’t know, I guess I just thought this would be better?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah...”

“You want to talk about that day, don’t you?”

“Well, I mean, we didn’t talk about it afterward, so now’s as good a time as any.”

“No, I get it. I understand. The silence is just so suffocating, you know? Every time I tried to ask, the words kept getting caught in my throat, and the longer I waited, the harder it-”

“Wait, what are you talking about?” I asked.

“Huh? I’m talking about your mom- what were _you_ talking about?”

“I was talking about that time when you- when you…”

“Hurt myself?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

We stayed in silence for a few moments, our breathing patterns falling in sync as we each thought of what to say next. 

“Oikawa,” I started. “My mom’s death isn’t something that I’m truly concerned about right now. I’ve realized that she’s...well, she’s gone, and I can’t save her now. I never could have saved her anyway, because I’ve learned that love doesn’t cure mental illness. I mean- it helps, I’m sure, but I loved her with everything I had, and in the end, it was her decision. Well, kinda. It was her illness more than anything else, but…” I let my voice trail off as Oikawa rubbed circles into the back of my hand.

“What I’m trying to say is that I can’t undo what happened. I can’t say things to her now that I wish I would’ve said when she was here, and I can’t waste time wondering why she did it. I can’t keep replaying every bad memory trying to find where I went wrong, because that won’t help anything. I have to keep going forward with my life, and I have to take second chances when I get them. You, Oikawa, are still here, and I want to talk to you. I don’t want this wall between us where we talk about everything except that night. You were hurting, and I’m sure you’ve been hurting since then. It felt like I was supposed to look the other way and pretend that I didn’t see it and I wasn’t there and you were fine, but you weren’t fine and I should have said something, but I thought it might upset you and-”

“Iwa-chan, you’re babbling.”

“Sorry.”

“Look,” Oikawa let out a breath. “It was hard for me, too. I didn’t know if I wanted to talk about it or if I just wanted to forget, but you were fine. You were there for me when I didn’t know anything, and that’s all I needed.”

“But are you sure? I still feel like we need to talk about it- I mean, I still have questions.”

“Like what?”

“Well, um,” I paused. “Why did you do it?”

“Oh, god,” Oikawa’s laugh bounced from tree to tree. “I have no idea! It was a combination of so many things, I think, so I don’t really have one specific reason. I can tell you that part of it was the frustration over my knee, the stress of trying to be perfect all the time, and just the overwhelming sadness that comes with depression. I’m sure other factors were at play, but I couldn’t tell you what.”

“So you have depression, then?”

“Yeah. My parents found out soon enough, and they put me on medication. I go to a therapist, too, but I’m sure you picked up on that.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Well...I need help. I mean, we think that I hurt myself in a state of “reactive depression,” which is basically when an event causes you to spiral. For me, it was the accumulation of all the pressure, but it can be different things for everyone.”

“Oh, okay, that makes sense.”

“Yeah.”

“So did you ever, you know...do it after?”

“Yeah, but it was different. All these little things that I’ve been doing over the years have actually been symptoms of self-harm that I wasn’t even aware of, and they continued even after that time. It’s hard to break habits like that, but I’ve been doing better.”

“What kind of things?”

“Overworking myself to the point of an injury, driving too recklessly, taking pills without thinking about how they’ll affect me, feeling the broken glass when we shattered that window, all that stuff. Just the little things that showed that I didn’t have any self-preservation.”

“Oh. I didn’t even notice.”

“I didn’t, either! I didn’t know to be looking for anything, so it was hard to recognize.”

“Well, I’m glad you figured some of it out.”

“Yeah, me too. Any more questions?”

“Just one.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“What can I do?”

Oikawa didn’t say anything for the first few seconds, and I was too nervous to look at his face. 

“Just be my friend.”

“W-what? What kind of an answer is that, Shittykawa?”

“You’re the one who asked!”

“Okay, okay! Can you elaborate just a little?”

“Sure, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa said, creating the effect of an eye-roll with his tone. “I just need you to be my friend. Having you around is enough for me to be happy, so just be yourself. I know it’s such a cliche, but it’s true. You hold me when all I can do is cry, and that within itself means the world to me. You always know when something’s up, and you never let me off the hook until I’m feeling better. You bring me so much happiness, so just keep being you. Okay, Iwa-chan?”

“Okay.”

We stayed pressed together until twilight crept upon us, bringing the brisque September breeze along with it. As soon as I felt Oikawa move, I knew that it was time to go home.

I pulled myself up off the ground and shook the grass out of my hair. Oikawa did the same, looking like a bum with his tousled hair, sweatpants, and hoodie. Though I’m sure I didn’t look much better myself.

We walked hand-in-hand back to the houses, sinking into the comfortable silence peppered with the sounds of nature. When we reached the front yard, Oikawa turned to me and drew me into a tight hug.

“Iwa,” he pulled away and looked deep into my eyes. “You’ve been through hell, and yet you’re still as brave as ever. I hope you know that you’re the strongest, most kind person that I’ve ever met, and don’t you ever forget that! You’re so much more than you could ever know.”

“Don’t get all emotional on me now, Shittykawa” I huffed as I looked down and scuffled my feet.

“Oh, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa quickly pulled me into another hug. “You know I’m always here for you, right? Just like you’re here for me? I won’t ever let you down.”

I scoffed and pushed him away, making light of his words though I knew that he meant every single one of them.

He smiled knowingly and tousled my hair before going inside his house. I exhaled a breath that I didn’t know I’d been holding and went inside of mine.

I didn’t bother with the lights and instead went straight up to my room. My stomach growled in protest, but what I needed now more than anything was a good night’s sleep.

As I was getting ready for a shower, I noticed that the open space didn’t feel so lonely anymore. The walls that I was too afraid to face before were now welcoming and the lurking shadows suddenly didn’t seem so haunting. My bed that had looked like a cage now seemed like a safe-haven, and I felt a quiet calm come over me as I walked to the bathroom.

I might be a little broken and bruised, but I found solace in knowing that Oikawa would always be there to have my back.

To this very day, he hasn’t let me down. He’s stubborn as hell, but he really does mean what he says. I will never understand how I came to be worthy of his presence in my life, but I guess it’s one of those things that’s too good to question. When my world shattered into a billion tiny pieces, Oikawa helped me put them back together.

I wouldn’t be here without him.


	7. The Grass is Green (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa: "No one can see past the Foolproof Wall hiding my Complex Feelings™ for Iwa-chan."  
> Kindaichi: (◕‿◕✿)

And now we’re here.

I’m 17 years old and still scared shitless that Iwaizumi is going to see right through me, though part of me thinks that if he hasn’t realized by now, then he never will. I tell myself that it’s fine, that he’s better off not knowing, but the truth is that I’d give anything just to have him know how I feel. The longer the secret stays with me, the more I want to spill it.

It was never much of a problem until school started this August. I think it’s because it’s our last year of high school and all of the things I wish I would’ve said and done are coming to the surface. After this year, nothing is certain. Nothing. It’s only September now, but beyond May is a terrifying abyss that’s swallowing me whole. Do I go to college or play professionally or take a gap year to train or end it all tomorrow so that I don’t have to make that decision? I don’t know what I’m going to do. More importantly, I don’t know what Iwaizumi is going to do.

I promised myself that I would end things after high school, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow through with it. Heaven knows I’d follow him to the end of the world, but every second that I’m with him takes a year off my life. The casual touches, the warm hugs, and the smiles that only I see send shocks through my heart nowadays. I’m in a constant battle between thinking  _ ‘Everything about you is beautiful,’ _ and  _ ‘I know it will never be mine _ .’

I can’t keep dragging him down with me. Iwaizumi is radiant, and I know he’ll be the best at whatever he does. He’s always wanted to go into the medical field, but that dream became serious after his mom died two years ago. I think it’s because he wants to save people to make up for her loss, even though nothing could have saved her. Sometimes I realize things about him before he notices himself, but I don’t tell him that.

There’s a lot that I don’t tell him. I don’t tell him that I love the way he rubs the back of his neck when he’s nervous- I don’t tell him that the energy from his rare smiles could power my heart for eons- I don’t tell him that I would do anything that he asked me to, no matter the time. I don’t tell him, but I do. I tell him in my mind every day, and I do little things to make him feel loved. He doesn’t notice, and I don’t think anyone else does, either. It’s worth it, though.

“Oikawa-san?”

“Kindaichi-kun, what’s up?”

We met the new first years back in July before school started, but Iwaizumi and I already knew Kindaichi and Kunimi from our days at Kitagawa Daiichi. They’re quite talented, and with the help of the second years, I can confidently say that they’ll be able to carry on the reputation of the Aoba Johsai Volleyball Club once we third years are gone. Which  I’m  definitely not thinking about right now. For sure.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Kindaichi’s face is twisted into a smile that almost seems painful. We had a rough practice today, sure, but nothing to warrant an injury. My knee aches like it always does, but that’s just me. If Kindaichi has any previous injuries, I don’t know about them.

“Yeah,” I say.

I flash him a grin and sling my bag over my shoulder. I then turn to catch Iwaizumi’s eye before calling out to him.

“Hey, Iwa-chan! Go on without me, okay?”

I throw in a wink before flicking my gaze towards Kunimi, hoping that Iwaizumi will get the message.

He gives me a suspicious stare before finally reading the situation.

“Kunimi, you live this way, right?” Iwaizumi asks, waving his arm in the general direction of our houses.

“Uh. Yeah, why?”

“Want to walk with me?”

Kunimi turns to look at Kindaichi, an eyebrow quirked in question. 

“Oh,” Kindaichi starts. “It’s cool. Go ahead.”

Kunimi nods and turns to Iwaizumi, who leads them out of the gym and into the September air.

“So, what’s up?”

Kindaichi sighs and immediately sinks down against the wall.

“Oh. It’s that bad, huh?”

“Yeah.”

I sit my bag down and carefully make my way onto the floor, sitting in an awkward half-criss-cross position to avoid bending my right knee. When I stop fidgeting and look at him, Kindaichi seems to be on the verge of tears.

“You’re not hurt, are you?” I ask, concern tainting my tone.

“No! Nonono, nothing like that. I just kind of...” his voice trails off as he begins to gesture vaguely. “It’s like, I don’t know, I just-”

“Spit it out, Kindaichi-kun!”

“Ah! Yes, I’m sorry, I just really need your help. I haven’t told anyone yet and I don’t know what to do or how to ask you about it because it’s kind of a sensitive topic, I guess.”

“Oh? What is it?”

My eyes immediately flick down to my forearm, which I now remember is bare. It’s been bare for about a year now. The scars faded quickly, but I guess the memories will take a bit longer to go away.

“Um,” Kindaichi’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. “When did you...you and Iwaizumi-san, uh, when did you start dating?”

“...”

The only thing going through my head right now is radio static.

“...”

I can feel myself staring at him.

“...”

_ What the fuck? _

“Oikawa-san?”

Kindaichi is looking at me like he’s said something wrong, and I feel terrible, but I can’t seem to formulate a sentence right now. I mean, come on? How do I even respond to this?

_ Think, think, think! Say  _ something _ , you numbskull! _

“What would make you think that we’re together?” I ask, my voice hoarse.

I watch as Kindaichi’s eyes open wide and the reality clicks into place.

“Oh my god- I’m so sorry!! I just thought, I mean, it seemed like- wow, I totally misread the situation, didn’t I?”

I watch as he scrambles up and tugs his bag over his shoulder, hastily making a move for the gym doors.

“I’m actually late for lunch anyway, so I gotta-”

“It’s 6 o’clock,” I say, finally regaining my ability to formulate a cohesive thought.

“Uh, I meant dinner…”

“Kindaichi, come sit back down.”

I maneuvere myself around so that my back is leaning against the wall. I then pat the floor next to me while I shoot Kindaichi a reassuring smile.

His steps sound tentative as he walks back over to me. Despite the tension coagulating between us, he sits down next to me and squares his shoulders.

“Okay, let’s start over!” I say, clapping my hands and taking a deep breath. “So how long have you been under the impression that Iwa-chan and I are dating?”

“Oh, well,” he begins, a light laugh flickering in his chest. “Probably forever? I had a hunch back in junior high, but I didn’t know for sure. After spending the past month or two getting to know the team, though, I guess I became more sure of it? The way everyone interacted made it seem like one of those things that just  _ is _ . You know, one of those things that nobody has to say but everyone knows. Like, the grass is green and Oikawa and Iwaizumi are in love. That’s how it is. Er, actually, I guess it’s not?”

I roll my shoulders and take a deep breath. 

“Kindaichi-kun, you’re certainly more observant than what I remember from junior high.”

I turn my head to catch his eyes. 

I never would have guessed that Kindaichi is the perceptive type, especially not with Kunimi by his side. The latter is constantly thinking about how to move in order to conserve energy, which is a trait that I attribute to insightfulness. I guess I’ve been too focused on matching with Kunimi to notice how effortlessly Kindaichi syncs his attacks with my sets. Now that I think about it, he must have been working so hard to match with me that I didn’t even realize that he was doing it! Damn, that imperceivable perceptiveness is going to make one helluva weapon one day.

“So I’m not wrong?”

His comment snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Sadly, you are. But…” I pause to take a breath, thinking about whether I should tell him or not. “Okay look, you can’t mention this to anyone else, alright?”

“Okay.”

“So, you’re wrong to think that Iwa-chan and I are in love.  _ We _ are not in love. I, however, have been in love with him since we were 13.”

I let my words explode into the air as I throw my head back in laughter.

“I can’t believe I’m telling you this!”

“Oikawa-san, it’s okay, I won’t tell anyone. I know how you feel.”

“You’d better not, because if Iwa-chan finds out- _ wait-  _ oh my god, what did you say?? You know how I feel??”

I whip around to face Kindaichi and grab him by the shoulders. His face exhibits traits of both fear and relief, which is a combination that admittedly does not suit him.

“Yes- that’s what I came to ask you about! I need advice.”

We stay like this- my hands gripping his shoulders and his eyes open wide- for what seems like a lifetime. I’m staring past his face into the dimension that harbors the poor souls like me who realize that they aren’t as subtle as they think they are. All this time I thought I thought I was being cleverly evasive, and here Kindaichi is, making a fool out of me.

“I’m sorry, I just need to get some things straight,” I say.

“Well, one of those things is not going to be me.”

There’s a brief pause before the gym swells with laughter, the tension immediately broken. Our laughs echo a song of relief and acceptance, one that rings unapologetically through the air. 

After the laughter subsides, Kindaichi taps something into his phone while I take a hearty swig of my water bottle. The silence is comfortable, but I know that he still needs to talk.

“So you’re gay, then?” I ask.

“I think so, yeah. I mean, I’m pretty head-over-heels for Kunimi, and that’s what matters.” 

“When did you know?”

“About Kunimi?”

“Yeah.”

“It was the beginning of our first year at Kitagawa Daiichi, so about the same age as you were when you realized. It’s kind of a funny story, actually.”

“Oh, do tell.”

“Okay,” he grinned. “So picture this: we’re at the Umino-Mori Aquarium, right? And I don’t know if you know this or not, but Kunimi loves marine life. Jellyfish, sharks, crabs, stingrays- you name it, he loves it.”

Oh, I’m definitely storing that piece of knowledge for later.

“He was looking at the lionfish, seeming just as content as can be, when he turned to me. Now, I know he may come off a bit curt or standoffish, but he’s really goofy and funny when he’s with me. I don’t know if that means anything, but he’s always been that way with me.”

I steal a glance at Kindaichi’s face and see him giving a thousand-watt grin to his fidgeting hands. If that’s what I look like when I’m talking about Iwa-chan, aliens come get me now.

“Anyway, he turned to me, right? He caught me staring, and I was sitting there like,  _ ‘Oh gosh, what do I do?’ _ Then, he put these ridiculous jazz-hands up by the sides of his head and stuck his tongue out at me, eyes crossed in the process. I, of course, burst out laughing, and he gave me a side-hug that I think purified my soul. We were just two barely-teenagers cracking ourselves up in front of a giant fish tank, but I’ll never forget how it felt. Everything clicked for me at that moment, and I just knew.”

Kindaichi ends his story with a sigh. He turns to me then, and I can read the question on his face.

“You want to know how to tell him, don’t you?”

The almost imperceptible nod of Kindaichi’s head gives me all the confirmation I need.

“Okay, so here’s the thing. I’ve never actually confessed before, you know? I’ve obviously thought about doing it a million different ways, so I can give you at least a little bit of advice on that front.”

“Okay, great! Anything helps.”

Kindaichi turns his entire body to face me now, his expression that of pure concentration.

“So correct me if I’m wrong, but Kunimi-kun isn’t the type to like a grand gesture. Right?”

“Right.”

“You’ll have to do something personal, then. I can help you from afar if you need it, but Kunimi-kun can never know.”

“Agreed! This stays between us.”

“Definitely.”

“So we’ve got that down, but what should I actually do?”

“That, Kindaichi-kun, is the question.  _ The _ question…” I pause to ponder the predicament, but I quickly realize that it’ll take more time than what we have now to put together a proper plan. 

“Hey,” I begin. “If you’re free tomorrow after practice, you can come by my place and we can put something together then. How does that sound?”

“Oh! That sounds perfect, thank you!”

Kindaichi picks himself up off the floor and offers a hand to me.

“Kindaichi-kun,” I say while squinting at him. “You notice everything, don’t you?”

“Well…”

I take his hand and let him help me off the floor. I carefully avoid putting too much weight on my knee, but the constant irritation remains.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah,” I say. “You go on- I’ll lock up here and head home.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“Alright,” Kindaichi says as he swings his bag over his shoulder. “Don’t stay practicing too late, or I’ll text Iwaizumi-san.”

“Kindaichi-kun!” I gasp. “You would never!”

“I would!”

I press my hand to my heart and pretend to be deeply hurt.

“And here I thought we shared a bond…” I sniff and wipe a fake tear off my cheek.

Kindaichi simply laughs and heads for the gym doors.

“Bye, Oikawa-san!”

“See ya!” 

I’m not sure what to do now besides practice. Whenever my head is too clouded and my thoughts are running rampant, I find myself here on the court. It’s my safe space, my home away from home, my-

“Shittykawa.”

“Eek!!” 

I whip around to see Iwaizumi standing in the doorway, an unsightly scowl on his face.

“What are you doing here? I thought you went home with Kunimi-kun.”

“I did at first, but we only got halfway there before Kunimi got a text from Kindaichi saying that you were going to practice late.”

“That little bitch!”

“Hey, he’s only got your best interest in mind. Lucky for you, so do I. Get your bag and let’s go home, I’m hungry.”

I’m too mentally exhausted to argue, so I grab my bag and lock the gym doors without complaint. The air is rather warm for September, but that little warmth is countered by the sharp breeze.

“So what were you guys talking about?”

Oh, I  _ knew  _ he was curious. I knew it. The only problem is that I can't tell him anything about the actual conversation, and he’ll see right past any lie that I can come up with.

“I can’t tell you yet,” I say, opting for the truth. “But you’ll find out soon enough.”

“Oh. Does it have to do with Kunimi?” 

“Iwa-chan, you know I can’t tell you!”

“Yeah, okay. But does it?”

“Iwa-chan!” I laugh and tousle his hair. “I seriously can’t tell you! Just be patient and you’ll see soon enough.”

“Alright, alright! Get off!” Iwaizumi chuckles as he pushes my hand off his head.

We walk home in serene silence. I can’t help but think about Kindaichi’s situation and how similar it is to my own- the only difference being that Kindaichi has the courage to confess, while I keep running in circles of doubt. It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s just that I so desperately want everything to work out. Kindaichi came to me for help, and I feel like it’s my duty to deliver results.

_ This will be perfect _ , I vow. _ I may not get the happy ending, but I’ll make damned sure that Kindaichi does. _


	8. Me Too (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi Hajime is demisexual and you can't change my mind!

Shittykawa’s hiding something. 

It’s not unusual for him to hide little things from me, like the fact that he ate my tofu or spilled juice on the sofa. Those were trivial things that ended up coming to light eventually, but I can tell that this is different. Our communication has gotten better and better over the past year, and I find it hard to believe that he’s keeping something away from me now. It just doesn’t feel right.

I roll over to face the wall.

I guess the weirdest part of it all is that whatever the secret is, Kindaichi chose to tell Oikawa over me. Oikawa, the biggest blabbermouth at Aoba Johsai. He chose to tell _Oikawa_.

On one hand, that means that the secret really isn’t Oikawa’s to tell, which would explain why he didn’t tell me. On the other hand, it could mean that Kindaichi doesn’t trust me, which actually kinda hurts.

I roll over to face the window.

If it was a trust issue, surely Oikawa would tell me, right? He’d tease me and say that I need to be more trustworthy towards the first years- I know he would. So if it’s not that, then what is it? What could Kindaichi tell Oikawa but not me?

I sit up and crack my neck before taking a swig of the water bottle on my nightstand. 

I’m obviously not going to sleep tonight if I don’t figure out what the secret is, so I do the only thing that I can. I go to Oikawa’s.

I don’t slip on any shoes or a jacket before opening the window, as the air really isn’t as cold as it should be this time of year. Once outside, I close the majority of my window behind me and turn to face Oikawa’s. The breeze tickles my face as I cross from roof to roof, and I briefly wonder if I’m making too much out of nothing. 

What if Kindaichi just doesn’t want me to know? Or worse, what if the secret is actually about me, and this is all some big joke? What if he and Oikawa were talking about me and how stupid I am? What if-

“Are you going to come in or just sit there?”

I jump at the sound of Oikawa’s voice, nearly losing my balance. 

“Shittykawa, you could’ve killed me!”

Oikawa simply smiles and further opens his window, beckoning me inside.

I slip into his room and hear him slide the window down behind me.

“You’re late.”

“Excuse me??”

“I knew you’d be coming over at some point tonight, but I thought it’d be a tad earlier than 1 AM,” Oikawa sighs as he flops down onto his bed, scooting over to make room for me.

“How’d you know that I’d be coming over?” I ask as I settle in beside him.

“Iwa-chan, don’t question my ways. I know everything.”

I snort and kick his left leg before asking the question that we both know is coming.

“So…you don’t have to tell me, because I understand that Kindaichi doesn’t want me to know.”

I pause to choose my next words carefully, not wanting them to come out wrong. 

“Iwa-chan, I’m going to stop you right there.”

Huh?

“I texted Kindaichi earlier to ask if I could tell you, and he said it’s fine, so you can stop worrying about that.”

I breathe a sigh of relief and let my shoulders relax. Sometimes I tense up without realizing it, and apparently, that comes from being anxious all the time. That’s what Oikawa says, at least.

“So,” I begin. “What is it, then?”

Oikawa takes a deep breath before sitting up and reaching for a blanket at the end of his bed. 

“I’m gonna tell you something, and you might want to leave because of it,” he says, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.

“Hey, no, I won’t leave,” I say, my voice softer than I anticipated.

I reach up to tug at the blanket, trying to get Oikawa to loosen his grip.

“I’m cold, too, you know. Share with me.”

Oikawa reluctantly lets go of the blanket and lays back down while I spread it out over us. 

“See, isn’t this better?” 

I give him a weak smile that I know he can’t see in the pale light of the artificial stars.

“Yeah, yeah,” Oikawa mumbles mindlessly.

I can tell that his head is somewhere else right now.

“You know you don’t have to tell me, right? If you really don’t want to, it’s okay.”

“No, I really should tell you. I should. Just, it’s okay if you still want to leave, you know?”

“I’m not going to leave you, Shittykawa.”

Our sides are already pressed flush against each other, but I reach for his hand anyway. There are never too many ways to say _‘I’m here,’_ right?

I take his hand in mine and lace our fingers together. We’ve held hands before, but never like this. I find that it’s rather enjoyable.

I assume we’re laying in silence, but I wouldn’t know, because all I can hear is my heartbeat in my ears. I think I’m anxious about whatever he has to tell me, but this is a completely new type of worry. It pools in the pit of my stomach and makes my entire body feel electric. When I find my mind drifting away from the secret, I notice that all I’ve been focusing on for the past couple minutes is our hands. I shouldn’t have done anything, because what was meant to be a gesture of comfort to Oikawa has turned into a cause of death for me. I feel nervous for all the wrong reasons. I feel nervous for all the _wrong reasons._

Wait, what?

I’m not sure what I’m thinking about right now. My train of thought is more like a truck, and it’s dragging me down the highway like a tin can tied to the hitch.

_Fuck._

“I’m gay.”

For a split second, I worry that the words came out of my mouth and not Oikawa’s.

“Me too.”

_What did I just say?_

“What??”

“Uh.”

Now I’ve done it. I’ve really done it. Oikawa has probably had years to figure himself out, but for me, it all came crashing down around me today. Right now, to be exact. And I told him. _I just told him._

“Well, I mean, I think I like boys. I mean, I know I do, I’m just. I only figured it out a little while ago, so…”

“How long ago?”

“A couple of weeks.”

_Liar._

“Oh.”

“Yeah. When did you know?”

“Ever since I was 13.”

“Oh.”

I think my nerves rotted the part of my brain that makes informed decisions, because I hear myself laughing. Luckily, Oikawa joins in immediately.

We try to stifle our laughter, but it’s no use. I feel the worry bubble in my chest and dissipate when Oikawa squeezes my hand. My heart is beating out of my chest, so I let it go. To be truthful, I think I gave it away a long time ago. 

“Is this the secret?” I ask once we catch our breath.

“Oh! No, I totally forgot! Kindaichi came to me because he’s gay, too, and he wanted to know how to confess to someone.”

“Kunimi!”

“Who else?”

I chuckled at that, knowing full well how it felt to pine over a childhood best friend.

“Okay, but something doesn’t make sense to me,” I pause to gather my thoughts. “How did Kindaichi know you’re gay? Did you come out to everyone else and not me?”

“Oh, no! No, I know it’s weird, but he just assumed.”

“He just...assumed?”

“Yeah.”

Something in Oikawa’s tone tells me that he’s lying, but I don’t press it.

“So I have some more questions,” I say.

“So do I. You go first and then I’ll go.”

“Okay, sounds good,” I say, giving a little squeeze to his hand (because I guess that’s something we do now). “So first of all, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Wow, a tough one right out of the gates, huh. Well, I guess it’s mainly because I didn’t know how you would react. I didn’t want to lose our friendship, but I also knew that I had to tell you eventually. I just kept putting it off more and more, until…”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Okay. Next?”

“How did you realize?”

“Oh. Honestly, I don’t even remember.”

He’s lying again, but he really doesn’t owe me an explanation.

“That’s fair. Last question- what are you going to do about Kindaichi and Kunimi?”

“I was hoping you could help me with that.” 

I can hear the smile in Oikawa’s voice, and I know that he already has a plan.

“I have a plan, but I’ll save it for tomorrow evening. Kindaichi’s coming over to hear it and finetune the details, but I’ll need your help as well.”

“Cool, I’m down.”

“Great! And now it’s my turn.”

Oikawa props himself up on one elbow and angles his body towards me.

“So how did _you_ realize?”

“Uh, I don’t really…” I pause, quickly realizing that using Oikawa’s excuse isn’t going to work. “I guess I was just lying in bed thinking about stuff when I put it all together.”

“Hm, okay.”

Oikawa looks skeptical, but he doesn’t push the matter.

“So you said you know you like boys, but what about girls?”

“Oh. I guess I don’t know. I never really look at _anyone_ like that.”

“So you don’t really like boys...or girls?”

“No, it’s not that, I just...I can’t look at some random person and be like, _‘Oh, I’d hit that,’_ you know? I’d have to know them first; otherwise, it’s just weird.”

“Iwa, you might be demisexual.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s where you don’t like people _like that_ until you get to know them emotionally.”

“Oh, cool,” I say, making a mental note to look more into that.

“So, do you like anyone?”

I thought it was an unspoken rule that if I didn’t ask him that, then he couldn’t ask me. That’s what I get for making assumptions, I guess.

“I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it.”

_Liar!_

Oikawa hums and lays back down, temporarily content with my answer.

I wrack my mind for things to say, but I come up empty. I mean, what do you say after a conversation like this?

“I’m glad you told me.”

The truth, I guess.

“Yeah,” I reply. “You, too. I can’t believe you waited so long, though.”

“Well, it was the right decision, wasn’t it?”

“I guess so.”

There are a few beats of silence in which I remember that we have school tomorrow, and I really need to sleep.

“Hey, Oikawa?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it okay if I sleep here?”

“Duh.”

I break our hands and roll over to face him before I realize that I now have no idea what to do with myself. My left hand awkwardly hovers over Oikawa’s shoulder while my right one lays on the pillow between our faces. I panic briefly when Oikawa starts to move, twisting his body away from mine. The worry subsides as soon as his left hand finds mine, and he tugs me closer to his back. I wrap my arm around his waist, our fingers interlocked once again. My face is pressed into the back of his neck, and I can feel his hair tickling my nose. His back is pressed into my chest, and I swear we can never talk about this in the light of day. I might die.

“Goodnight, Iwa-chan.”

I nuzzle further into the nape of his neck and inhale.

“‘Night, Oikawa.”

_Never let me go._


	9. Anyone Else (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance.

“So you said that Kunimi really loves fish, right?”

“Yeah, he does.”

We're spread out across my room- I’m sitting at my desk, Iwaizumi is splayed out on the bed, and Kindaichi is enveloped in the beanbag chair. We’ve been brainstorming for about a half an hour or so, but Kindaichi hasn’t settled on one idea yet.

“What if you took him back to the aquarium?” Iwaizumi asks.

“I mean, that’s not a bad idea, but it’s a little too public.”

Kindaichi frowns and shuffles in the chair, clearly uncomfortable at the thought of a public concession.

“It’s not that I’m worried or anything, but I don’t want Kunimi to be pressured into accepting my feelings,” he says.

“That’s understandable, Kindaichi-kun.”

I twirl a pen in my hand, looking down at the list of criteria that we’ve made.

“So it has to be somewhere private, but you don’t want him to be suspicious beforehand, so there has to be a reasonable explanation for you to ask him to go there alone,” I say. “When do you usually spend time with him alone?”

“Well, we sometimes go to walk his dog on the weekends,” Kindaichi offers. “But I don’t know how romantic that would be.”

I sigh and sink down in my chair, wondering if there’s any end to this dilemma.

“Hey…”

Kindaichi and I both turn our heads towards Iwaizumi, who’s tapping at something on his phone.

“What if you hiked up to Lulu’s Point? You could take his dog, too, and all of the different trails provide opportunities for privacy.”

“Oh. I’ve never been, but...that kind of works?” Kindaichi tilted his head. “It’d be casual enough that he won’t suspect anything, but stopping at an overlook and confessing in front of a beautiful view sounds kinda nice.”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi smiled. “You know we’ll be here for you if it doesn’t work out though, right?”

“Uh, yeah! Of course, I mean, I think it’ll be fine, but…”

“Hey,” I say, deciding to chime in. “What if we lurked somewhere nearby where we could see but not hear you? That way we won’t hear your confession, but if something were to go wrong, we could be there for support.”

“Actually, that would be really nice! Thanks, Oikawa-san!” Kindaichi beams before turning his head towards Iwaizumi and asking, “You’ll be there too, right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Ahh! Thank you guys, you’re the best!”

“Hey, no problem,” I say, nonchalantly clicking my pen. “We all know what it’s like to be young and in love.”

“We do?” Iwaizumi said as he raised his head from his phone and shot me an incredulous look.

“Oh! I just mean...figuratively speaking…” I mumble, gesturing wildly as if I could physically wipe my words away.

“Heyyy so I’ve got to go home now,” Kindaichi says before standing abruptly and grabbing his bag. “Kunimi and I will be at Lulu’s Point tomorrow around 10, so you guys should probably be there by 9:45.” 

Kindaichi flashes us both smiles before bolting out of the room and skittering down the steps. 

“I wonder what that was about,” I remark offhandedly. 

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that you’ve been in love with someone before?”

I watch as Iwaizumi sits up on my bed and shuts his phone off. He places it on the nightstand and cracks his knuckles before locking eyes with me.

“You wanna tell me what  _ that’s _ about?”

More than anything.

“No.”

“So it’s true, then. You didn’t make it up?”

“No, it’s not- ugh,” I sigh. “It was just one of those things that you say, you know? It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh.”

I’d swear that a look of disappointment just crossed his face, but I would be getting my hopes too high.

“What about you?”

“Huh?” Iwaizumi seems taken back by my question.

“Have you ever been in love?”

The room sits in silence as Iwaizumi’s eyes once again lock with mine. The look he’s giving me is so raw that I almost feel embarrassed to look at him. He seems to be torn in half, and I can’t help but wonder why. Either he likes someone or he doesn’t- what’s the big deal?

“I think so.”

What?

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says as he rubs the back of his head and smiles weakly at the floor. “But I think...I mean, I don’t know for sure yet.”

“Wait, what do you mean you don’t know?? Tell me who it is  _ right now _ or I swear I’ll-”

“Hey woah woah! I’ll tell you, okay? Just...not now? Maybe in a few months once I’m really sure about it?”

All I’m thinking about is how he’s going to tell me.  _ He’s going to tell me _ .

“Oikawa?”

“Huh?” I call my head back down from the clouds and look at Iwaizumi once more.

“You good?”

“Uh, yeah! For sure! I just can’t believe...well, I just can’t believe you’re going to tell me.”

“Not now, though.”

“Yeah, not now. But when?”

“Shit, Oikawa, I hadn’t really thought about it yet?”

“What about before New Year’s?”

“Um. Yeah, I think that sounds good,”

“Great.”

I swivel my chair around and ball up the paper I’d been writing on. I can feel Iwa’s eyes on me as I click my pen shut and place it back in the jar that I’d plucked it from. 

“It’s really great that Kindaichi’s confessing, isn’t it?” I ask in an attempt to break the silence.

“Mhm,” Iwaizumi hums.

I don’t have anything else to do now, but I can’t risk turning around yet. There’s something in the air that feels electric, and one small move could set it off.

“Well, I’m tired.”

“It’s like 7 o’clock??”

I immediately whip around to face Iwaizumi against my better judgement.

“So?”

“So you can’t- hey, wait-”

I watch as he shrugs his shoulders before grabbing a blanket and flinging it over himself before crashing down into the pillows.

“Night.”

I splutter in disbelief at the entire situation.

“No, no, you haven’t even showered! Have you eaten anything this evening besides a granola bar? No! I don’t think so! So get your sorry ass out of bed and get some food and a shower before you crash.”

I’m out of my chair now, tugging the cover off of a lazy Iwaizumi.

“But I’m so tired...and we have to get up early tomorrow…”

Iwaizumi sends me a pouty face that admittedly tugs a bit at my heartstrings. 

“Listen, why don’t you just get it over with now? We both know I’m not going to let you fall asleep here if you don’t at least shower,” I sigh.

“Works for me!”

Iwaizumi is up in an instant. I watch as he grabs a pair of his sweatpants from my drawer and swipes a t-shirt from my closet. When the door to my bathroom closes, I groan and flop down onto my bed.

I count the minutes until he’s out of the shower, and I only move to get up when I hear the door open. Iwaizumi yawns dramatically before beelining towards the bed.

“Your turn,” he says as he shoves me aside and splays himself out on the sheets.

I stand and walk to the shower, my mind elsewhere.

When I return, Iwaiumi appears to be almost asleep. His eyes are heavily lidded and his breathing is steady. When I climb in next to him, he lazily wraps an arm around my waist. We’ve slept like this many nights before, but the sensation always sends chills up my spine. 

“You know, if you wanted to stay over to cuddle, you could’ve just said so.”

I would normally receive a smack on the head for a comment like that, but all Iwaizumi does is grip me tighter.

“And what would that do to my pride, Shittykawa?”

I huff lightly and let the weight of Iwaizumi’s presence lull me into sleep. 

\- - -

_ Beep! Beep! Beep! _

My alarm blares as I fumble in the morning light to turn it off. I always set my alarm when I sleep with Iwaiumi next to me, because somehow my normal early-bird habits die hard in his arms. It’s a mystery.

I take a few minutes to pretend that I’ve fallen back asleep while I’m really just staring. The golden rays of dawn look magnificent on Iwaizumi’s face, and every rise and fall of his chest matches mine. I take moments like these and stow them away in the back of my mind for the days when I know I won’t wake up next to him. 

“Damn,” Iwaizumi mutters. “Is it time to get up already?”

His morning voice will never not be a pleasant surprise.

“Yeah,” I reply. “We’ve got some matchmaking to do.”

“Can’t they just figure it out on their own?”

“No, they can’t. Get up, sleepyhead.”

I poke his cheek and watch his face scrunch up in distaste. Iwa’s never been a morning person, and frankly, it’s situations like these when I have absolutely no problem with that.

“Let’s go, princess.”

I wedge my hands under his side and hoist him up.

“Fuck you.”

“That’s the spirit!”

I give him a light shove to get him out of the bed, which he doesn’t appreciate.

“Five more minutes?”

I can’t see his face right now, which is probably a good thing. If he uses those puppy-dog eyes on me again, I’m screwed.

“It’s 9 AM dipshit, we don’t have 5 more minutes to spare.”

“That’s rude,” Iwaizumi says, but his heart’s not in it.

“Oh, you poor baby!” I laugh before getting up and rifling through my drawer. “Go get dressed- we’re leaving in 15 minutes.”

The groan that comes from Iwaizumi is comical, but he does as I ask. I toss him a pair of shorts before he heads to the bathroom to change and hopefully wake himself up a bit.

Once we’re both dressed and ready to go, we head downstairs. My parents are both still asleep, so we try to make as little noise as possible when we get breakfast. I take the time to pour myself some cereal while Iwaizumi snags a pop-tart and downs a glass of milk.

“You’re gonna drive, right?” Iwaizumi asks.

“Yeah,” I mumble through a mouthful of food.

“I bet Kunimi and Kindaichi walked.”

“Probably. I think Kunimi was bringing his dog, so it makes sense that they’d walk.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.”

We eat the rest of our breakfast in comfortable silence before leaving the house. When we reach my Jeep, I hop into the driver’s seat while Iwaizumi takes the passenger’s side. 

“I still can’t believe your parents bought you a Jeep for your first car.”

“Iwa-chan, when are you going to let it go?” I ask while adjusting the radio station to a channel that we both like. “I know it’s just because you’re jealous.”

“You wish.”

I pull out of the driveway and steal a glance at the time.

“It’s 9:18 now, so we should get there around-”

“Shut up for a second,” Iwaizumi says before reaching to turn the radio up.

“What-”

“Oikawa, listen.”

The edge to Iwaizumi’s voice runs through me as I listen intently to the broadcaster’s message.

“Once again, a pedestrian was hit by a distracted driver on Mulberry Lane around 9:10 this morning. The accident has not yet been cleared as one caller reports that the first responders have just arrived on the scene. The victim is said to be a student at Aoba Johsai High School-”

This can’t be happening.

“-by the name of-”

Please let it be anyone else, anyone other than-

“-Kunimi Akira.”

Everything goes white.


	10. Rumors (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my dumbass ex-girlfriend who found this fic and is now lording it over me. Thanks, @Liljellydonut.

I watch his carefully curated expression come apart at the seams.

“Pull over now.”

Oikawa grips the wheel and does as I say, guiding the car to a stop alongside the edge of the road.

“Put it in park.”

Oikawa obeys once again, his eyes staring vacantly through the windshield. 

“I’m going to make a call to Kindaichi while we switch seats, okay?”

“Okay,” Oikawa whispers.

I dial Kindaichi’s number before unbuckling my seatbelt and stepping out of the car. 

He picks up on the first ring.

“Tell me what happened.”

“Iwaizumi-san,” Kindaichi exhaled fiercely. “It’s- I can’t really- we’re in the ambulance on the way to the hospital right now, so-”

“I understand,” I say quickly. He can’t seem panicked in front of Kunimi. “We’re on our way right now. Is there anything you need?”

“N-no.”

“Kindaichi, listen to me.”

I slip into the driver’s seat and shut the door before continuing.

“You’re scared at the moment, and rightfully so. You probably feel like everything is spiraling out of your control, but you need to realize that Kunimi is even more afraid right now than you are. He’s in great hands with the paramedics, but having you by his side is going to be crucial. You’re his pillar- you need to be as calm as possible so that he can feel more at ease. Can you do that for me?”

I hear Oikawa’s seat-belt click into place right before Kunimi’s response reaches me.

“Iwaizu-  _ oh, god _ \- he just lost conscience again, I don’t know if he’s going to- going to-”

“Hang in there, Kindaichi- listen, I have to go, but we’re going to be there in 30 minutes, okay?”

“ _ Please _ hurry,” Kindauchi’s voice breaks as the sirens wail in my ear.

I hang up the phone and hand it to Oikawa before buckling my own seatbelt.

“It’s that bad,” Oikawa states.

“Possibly, but we don’t need to panic.”

I shift the Jeep out of park and start off down the road.

“What the  _ fuck _ does that mean?”

I steal a glance at Oikawa, who’s shaking in his seat. 

I make my tone as soothing as possible before responding.

“We have to analyze the situation. Kindaichi may be overreacting, which would be normal in a predicament like this. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter how bad the situation is- we have to stay calm. We have to be strong for them.”

I can practically feel Oikawa seething beside me.

“HOW are you not panicking right now? How could you possibly sit there and tell me to stay calm? Kunimi-kun got hit by a fucking car and you think it’s time to play Socrates with your ‘analyzing the situation’ bullshit-”

“You know, I was there when she died.”

Oikawa stops talking immediately.

“It was a Saturday, and you and your family were out doing...something, I don’t know, whatever families do, I guess. My dad was gone like he always is, and it was just the two of us. I was outside practicing a bit against the side of the house when I heard the gunshot. At first, I didn’t know where the sound had come from, so I immediately rushed inside expecting to find my mom worriedly hovering inside the kitchen or something, but...she wasn’t there. I was so worried, I checked every room downstairs before going up to hers.”

I grip the wheel much harder than necessary.

“She was on the bed lying face up. There was so much blood soaked into the sheets beneath her head, but her face was…” I pause and decide not to describe the scene in too much detail. “I bolted out of the room to call 911, and I never went back in. I sat downstairs and had the biggest panic attack of my life while people that I didn’t know patted my back and wrapped blankets around me. I was so fucking scared and alone, Oikawa, I...I didn’t have someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. No one was there for me when I needed it most, and I just...I’m trying to be here for you now. I know what it’s like to be in a terrifying situation when someone you love is hurting and there’s nothing you can do. I  _ get _ that. And I know it’s a bit presumptuous to assume that you need the same thing now that I needed back then, but...I don’t know, I’m trying to…” I pause to gesture vaguely and let out a shaky breath. “Be here for you.”

Did I really just say that?

“Oh, Iwaizumi,” Oikawa’s voice breaks, and I glance over in time to catch the first tear roll down his face.

“Sorry,” I say before quirking a small smile. “But it’s working, right? Do you feel a little better?”

“Where did you come from?”

“Huh?”

“I-” Oikawa’s choked laugh rings through the air. “I just don’t know how I got this lucky! You’re so-  _ so _ amazing, and I just- FUCK!”

Suddenly, the car is filled with laughter. I feel it bubble up in my chest and spill out of my mouth, and I can hear Oikawa’s voice doing the same. We laugh until the fear flows out of our lungs, and I know-  _ I know _ \- that I have to tell him. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love Oikawa Tooru, and he deserves to know that. He-

“In all seriousness though, I really hope Kunimi-kun is okay.”

It’s not the right time to tell him.

“Yeah, me too. There’s nothing we can do about the situation other than just being there for him, but I’m still worried out of my mind.”

Oikawa hums in response before fidgeting in his seat.

“Would you like some radio?” I ask.

“Iwa-chan, this isn’t even your car!” Oikawa grins as he turns to his favorite station.

The rest of the ride passes smoothly, and before I know it, we’re in the parking lot. I turn the car off and hand the keys to Oikawa, who shoves them in his pocket.

Once we begin walking to the entrance, I feel Oikawa’s eyes on me.

“Something on your mind?”

“Just nerves.”

“Oh.”

I take the time to carefully think over my next move.

“Do you want to hold my hand?”

“Yes,” Oikawa says, the word rushing out of him.

My hand finds his, and our fingers intertwine in an all-too-familiar gesture.

We navigate our way through the lobby and up to the help desk, where the secretary directs us towards Kunimi’s room.

Oikawa knocks on the door with his free hand, and it takes a mere two seconds before Kindaichi flings it open.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Kindaichi manages to get out before wrapping an arm around each of us. 

Oikawa lets go of my hand to embrace him, and I follow suit. 

“How’s Kunimi doing?” I ask as I flick my gaze toward the bed.

“I can hear you, ya know.”

“Kunimi-kun!”

Oikawa is by his side in an instant, his hands gripping the thin mattress as he asks a billion questions.

“Where are you hurt? What happened? Are you going to be okay?”

“Oikawa-san!” Kindaichi gasps. “Don’t overwhelm him!”

“It’s fine,” Kunimi shoots Kindaichi a soft smile. “You were worried, too.”

Kindaichi blushes and mumbles under his breath before taking the seat closest to Kunimi’s right hand. Kindaichi reaches out to link their fingers together, and Kunimi readily complies.

I feel as though I'm intruding on something private, but Oikawa shows no sense of self-control.

“Oh my god, are you guys together??”

I smack the back of his head and apologize.

“Sorry, he doesn’t have a filter-”

“Yeah. We’re together,” Kunimi says abruptly. “Although, it did take me saving your ass for you to finally get that through your head.”

Kunimi chuckles as Kindaichi begins to whine and apologize profusely.

“I told you I’m sorry! I never meant to-”

“Wait, everybody shut up for a second.”

I get perplexed looks from everyone in the room as I hold my finger up to my mouth.

“Do you hear that?”

What sounds like two sets of obnoxious footsteps come barreling down the hall. Everyone looks just as confused as I am before we hear the voices.

“Are you sure this is the right room?”

“Shut up dumbass, I know what I’m doing.”

“Bakageyama, you can’t just barge in! You have to knock!”

“I know that, idiot!”

“Well it didn’t  _ look _ like you knew-”

“We can hear you, you know,” Kunimi calls from his bed.

The door slowly creaks open to reveal Karasuno’s freak duo.

“Well well well, if it isn’t Tobio-chan and Chibi-chan,” Oikawa smirks.

“Oikawa-san!”

“Grand King!”

The two bow before rushing over to Kunimi’s side.

“Oh my god, he’s-”

“Of course he is, dumbass, I told you not to believe those rumors-”

“What rumors?” Kindaichi interjects.

Hinata looks over at Kageyama before turning his eyes to Kindaichi.

“People were saying that you were dead.”


	11. No Secret (Oikawa POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makki and Mattsun make a classy entrance and Oikawa gets his Gideon Grey moment with Kageyama.

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask.

Hinata turns to look at me, his eyes swimming with worry.

“Kageyama and I were out jogging when we heard the sirens. We ran to the scene, but by then, the ambulance was gone. Kageyama recognized Kunimi’s dog, though, so we started asking around, and some guy told us that a kid got hit by a car and died. We kind of put two and two together, and...”

I glance in disbelief from Hinata to Kageyama, and only now do I notice just how rough the latter looks. I nearly make a snarky comment about how the two can’t do basic addition to save their lives, but...I think I’m beginning to actually understand the situation now. Kageyama’s eyes are red and swollen, and he’s shaking slightly. The expression on his face is twisted somewhere between a grimace and a look of pain that I can’t quite place.

“I’m fine, guys,” Kunimi states.

“See, he’s fine, Tobio.”

The tenderness of the small boy’s voice shocks everyone in the room, and we watch in further disbelief as he pulls Kageyama into a tight hug. A pair of small arms firmly wrap themselves around the taller boy’s waist, and to the surprise of us all, the setter doesn’t pull away.

“I know that now, dumbass,” Kageyama huffs, his voice breaking just a little.

There's a beat of silence in which I catch Iwaizumi’s eye. His face is a collage of confusion, though I’m sure that mine is no better. I mean, come on- since when do Chibi-chan and Tobio-chan get along? Since when do they call each other by their given names?

Kunimi speaks first. “You were really worried about me, huh, Kageyama?” 

“I-”

“Yes, he was!” Hinata untangles himself from Kageyama’s long arms and turns to face the rest of the room. “He cried all the way here, and I’ve never seen him so-”

“Shouyou!” Kageyama gasps and hits Hinata on the back of the head.

“I’m sorry, can I just…” Iwaizumi throws his hands up in the air and lets out an exasperated sigh. “Can I just get a brief overview of what’s happening here?”

“What do you mean?” Kageyama asks.

Iwaizumi squares his shoulders and turns to Kindaichi and Kunimi. “First of all, you two never even told us what happened! And I'm not just talking about the crash- I’m talking about  _ this,  _ too!”

I tilt my head down and see what Iwaizumi is referencing- Kindaichi and Kunimi are still holding hands. “Yeah…” I finally find my voice. “When did  _ that _ happen?”

“Oh, god, it’s so stupid!” Kindaichi blushes and attempts to hide his face with his spare hand. 

“Hey, wait! What’s this?” Hinata bounces over to get a better look at the situation, pulling Kageyama along with him. 

“We’re dating,” Kunimi announces, lifting his hand and pulling Kindaichi’s up with it.

“Woah!!” Hinata beams at the two before making an announcement of his own. “That’s so crazy! Bakageyama and I are dating, too! We’ve been dating for like, I don’t know, a couple of weeks or so.”

“Nineteen days,” Kageyama mumbles under his breath.

“Yeah!” Hinata shoots Kageyama- his  _ boyfriend _ \- a blinding smile before turning back to the rest of us. “When did you two start dating?”

For a split second, I think he’s talking to Iwaizumi and me.

Then, laughter bubbles up in Kunimi’s chest before he abruptly winces in pain. “Oh shit, that hurts!” 

“Where?” Kindaichi asks, sickeningly sweet concern dripping from the word.

“Here.” Kunimi tugs at the fabric of his hospital gown to reveal a dark bruise covering the majority of his side.

“I’m so sorry…” Kindaichi murmurs. “It’s all my fault.”

“No, it’s not. I’m glad I did it.” Kunimi gives Kindaichi’s hand a brief squeeze, and the two first-years share a tender look.

“Sorry, maybe I’m misunderstanding something here,” Kageyama chimes in, “but what exactly did you do?”

“Oh!” Kunimi pulls his eyes away from Kindaichi as though he’s just now realized that there are other people in the room. I was walking on the inside of the sidewalk- the one furthest from the road, you know, because I was walking Luna- when we heard this weird screeching noise. I turned around to see this car veering towards us, and...yeah.” Kunimi shrugs.

“Kunimi-kun,” I say. “If you were on the inside of the sidewalk, then how did YOU end up being the one that got hit?”

“Uh, no clue…” Kunimi averts his eyes.

“No,” Kindaichi scolds. “Nuh-uh. Tell them what you did. Tell them how little self-preservation you have, you absolute idiot.”

“You’re lucky that I’m too tired to argue with you,” Kunimi sighs. “Alright, I’m only going to say this once, and you CAN’T tell my parents, but...I kind of shoved Kindaichi out of the way and ended up being hit instead.”

“You jumped in front of a car to save your boyfriend??” Hinata’s eyes grow wide as he looks from Kindaichi to Kunimi. “That’s so romantic!! Babe, would you jump in front of a car to save me?”

“Baka! I-”

“Actually…” Kunimi interrupts. “He wasn’t my boyfriend at the time.”

“Nooo, please,” Kindaichi groans as he once again buries his face in his hand. “They don’t need to know the details.”

“What, did you two bang in the ambulance or something?”

Everyone turns to see Makki and Mattsun standing in the doorway, shit-eating grins plastered on their faces.

“Of course they didn’t bang in the ambulance- they’re classier than that!” Mattsun smirks. “They fucked in the lobby.”

Iwaizumi and I cackle before gaining our composure. 

“Hanamaki, Matsukawa, good to see you both,” Iwaizumi grins.

“Likewise! So, Kunimi, continue with your story- we won’t interrupt.” Makki nods solemnly and steps into the room.

“Okay, so...basically, the car hit me and I passed out for a couple of seconds, right? Well, when I woke up, Kindaichi was practically on top of me. He was crying, of course, but then I started to listen to what he was actually saying.” Kunimi pauses to feign distress. “‘Oh my god, Kunimi, please don’t be dead! Please come back, come on, for me- I can’t believe I never got to tell you that I-’”

Kindaichi slaps his hand over Kunimi’s mouth, effectively shutting the latter down. “And then I confessed, okay? I confessed to my boyfriend while I thought he was bleeding out on the street. Funny enough for you?” Kindaichi’s face is flushed redder than I thought possible.

“Oh, my!” Mattsun raises his eyebrows. “I know that’s terrible, but I can’t help but laugh. What a way to confess!”

“Yeah, wow, I wasn’t that cool when I confessed,” Makki pouts.

Mattsun and Makki have been dating since junior high. Their relationship is honestly quite refreshing- it’s the perfect balance of witty conversation and soft smiles.

“You guys are the other third year starters, right?”

All eyes turn to Kageyama, who is eyeing Makki and Mattsun.

“Yep! And you two are Karasuno’s freak duo. Pleased to meet you off the court.” Mattsun smiles.

“It’s very nice to meet you, too!” Hinata bounces up and down excitedly. “It’s very nice to meet new people outside of the bathroom!” 

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” I ask.

“I somehow always-”

“No one cares about your bathroom escapades, dumbass- we still haven’t found out what’s wrong with Kunimi.”

The room falls silent as Kageyama’s words reach us all, and the severity of the situation unfolds.

“You know, Kageyama’s right.” Iwaizumi turns to face Kunimi. “How are you doing?”

“Well, I’m in pretty good shape for someone who just got hit by a car,” Kindaichi chuckles. “But I’ve got a severe concussion. The doctors want to run an MRI to make sure that I don’t have any blood clots in my brain because of what happened earlier, but we’ll have to wait a little while. There was a multi-car pileup right before we arrived, and many of those victims are here and in far worse condition than I am. The doctors also think that I have at least one fractured rib, and my left arm is broken for sure. I’ve got a nasty cut on my thigh, too, but other than that, I should be okay. It’s not as bad as it could have been.” His eyes noticeably flick towards Kindaichi.

“Ah, well…” Kageyama shuffles his feet. “I’m glad that you’re alive, though.”

“Did Tobio-chan just attempt to be humorous?” I quip.

“I thought I might try to lighten the mood.” His lips pull up into a faint smile.

I turn my gaze to Hinata, who’s looking at me with both curiosity and something that I can’t quite place.

“Chibi-chan, I don’t know what you did to him, but thank you.” I grin and ruffle his orange hair. “He’s a changed man.”

“Ah, Grand King!” Hinata jerks slightly at the touch.

“Please, just call me Oikawa.”

“O-Oikawa,” he says, smiling up at me.

“Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you all to leave now. Mr. Kunimi needs to be taken for testing.” 

We all turn to see a small woman standing in the doorframe. She has an authoritative presence, and the nametag on her scrubs confirms my suspicion. 

“Yes, Doctor, we’ll be leaving immediately.” I flash her a polite smile and head for the door.

She steps aside to let us exit, and we shuffle back to the waiting room in silence. I head straight out the doors and inhale deeply when I get outside, glad to have some fresh air.

“Well, that was kind of insane,” Makki remarks.

Kindaichi takes out his phone, talking as he types. “Yeah, it was. If you guys will excuse me, I’ve got to call Kunimi’s parents and keep them updated.”

“Sure thing,” Makki nods. “Matsukawa and I are going head out, actually, but could you keep us updated when something new develops?”

“Yeah, of course.” Kindaichi smiles before taking a few steps away and raising the phone to his ear.

“Great, thanks!”

Makki turns to me. “Are you guys going to stay?”

“Yeah, for a little while at least,” Iwaizumi quickly responds.

“Oh, okay, good. I trust that you’ll keep him sane.” Makki nods in Kindaichi’s direction.

“We will,” I smile reassuringly.

“Well.” Makki turns to Mattsun. “We’re off. See you!”

“See ya,” I call as the pair begins to walk away.

“Hey, could you two stay here for just a second? Oikawa and I need to discuss something, but we’ll be right back.” Iwaizumi has now turned his focus onto Hinata and Kageyama.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Kageyama nods after looking to Hinata for confirmation.

“Great!” Iwaizumi drags me a hearty distance away before speaking again. “So, I think you need to talk to Kageyama.”

“Huh?”

“I think you need to-”

“No, no, I heard you, it’s just...I was actually thinking the same thing.”

“Really?” 

“Really.” I took a moment to gaze over at the happy couple. “Hinata and Kageyama make sense together. I think, despite literally everything that I ever thought about him, that Kageyama genuinely cares about other people. I think he cares too much, and I mistook that for-”

“Hey, hey.” Iwaizumi puts a hand on my shoulder. "I already know. It's him that you need to tell."

"Yeah," I sigh. "You're right."

When we walk back over to the duo, Iwaizumi is the first to speak.

“Hey, Hinata, I saw a vending machine at the gas station about a block away. Wanna go grab something with me?”

Hinata gasps and tugs on Kageyama’s sleeve. “The ace of Aoba Johsai wants to hang out with me,” he breathes. “Can-”

“Go ahead,” Kageyama says, his eyes trained on Oikawa.

“Yay!”

I turn to watch Iwaizumi and Hinata as they walk down the street. Once the pair is far enough away, I turn back to Kageyama. “Hey, is it okay if we go sit over there?” I gesture toward the small rock wall that borders a variety of decorative plants.

“Sure.”

The September air is pleasantly moderate- it’s not too cold and not too hot. The charged air that used to hang between Kageyama and I is no longer present, and I find myself wondering when exactly that happened. I genuinely can’t remember the last time that we were together off the court. It feels a bit awkward and unnatural, but I know that this needs to be done.

“So, Tobio-chan,” I begin.

“Please call me Kageyama,” the young setter says as he stares at his hands.

“...Kageyama,” I continue. “I just wanted to talk to you about our history. I know that we...got off on the wrong foot so to speak, and that was my fault. I didn’t give you a chance.” I pause to take a deep breath, choosing my next words with caution. “You have extraordinary talent and dedication, and I shouldn’t have ridiculed you for that. I was jealous because I had to put in years and years of training just to come close to your level, whereas it seemed like you didn’t have to work for it at all.”

“But I did- I mean, I do,” Kageyama says.

“I know! I really do, T- Kageyama, I do. I know. I let my own anger cloud my judgement, and I’m so, so sorry about that. I should have been a better captain and role model to you back then, but I want you to know that it’s not too late. I may not be someone who you can look up to anymore, but if you ever, I don’t know, want to practice serving or something, I’d be happy to work with you. If you’ll give me the second chance, that is,” I added.

Kageyama was silent for a few moments before lifting his head. His blue eyes met mine, and I saw hundreds of memories swimming in their depths. 

“Oikawa-san, I want to ask you something,” he said.

“What is it?”

“Well, I don’t really know how to word this, but...the court is your sanctuary, isn’t it?”

“The court is my...sanctuary?” 

“Yeah,” Kageyama nods. “It’s a safe place for you, right? I have no idea what you’ve been through or anything like that, but it always seemed to me like you used volleyball as a coping mech- mechanicist- mechanistism?”

“Mechanism?”

“Yeah, that. Thanks.” Kageyama sighs and leans back on his palms. “Anyway, I think we’re the same in that sense- we throw ourselves into volleyball because we can’t handle our other problems. Sometimes it’s easier for me to express my emotions through volleyball rather than through words, and I think that’s at least a little bit true for you, too. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I think that’s why you hated me so much. I was a threat to your safe haven. Every moment that you got to spend on the court meant the world to you, and I took some of that time away. I think, if you don’t mind me saying this, that we’re very alike, you and I. In more ways than just volleyball.” I watched a small smile play on his lips as he finished his thought.

“I don’t know what to say, Kageyama, I mean...you’re right, of course, but I never thought that you’d be perceptive enough to realize all of this.”

“Oh, well, I had some help.” There’s that smile again.

“Chibi-chan, I presume?”

“Yeah, Hinata has helped me a lot. I really…” Kageyama shook his head as if to clear a thought. “Yeah, for sure. But it’s not just Hinata. I’ve been going to, um,  _ therapy, _ and it’s allowed me to sort through some things, you know? I’ve gone back and realized that a lot of the mistakes that I made didn’t stem from incompetence, but inexperience. I didn’t know how to process my emotions back then, and it was reflected in how I treated others. So, yeah. I’m sorry, too.”

“Kageyama, have you told Kunimi and Kindaichi this? I think they’re the ones who were most affected by it.”

“Yeah, I did, actually. We met up about a week ago. I told them that I was sorry and that I wanted to be friends with them- the right way this time. I think it’s been hard for them to get used to, but,” he shrugs. “I know it’ll all come together.”

“Yeah, it will.” I wrap an arm around Kageyama’s shoulders and give him an awkward side-hug. “It will. You’ve grown so much since the last time we had a real conversation, and I...well, I’m moved.” I laughed. “You really are trying to one-up me in every way, aren’t you?”

“N-no! I-” 

“Kageyama, relax! I’m kidding!” I jostled him just a little bit. “What do you say we go get our better halves, hm?”

“Our better halves?”

Oh. _Oh._ _Oh no._

“I didn’t mean it that way! I-”

“It’s okay Oikawa-san. It’s not like it’s a secret. I’m pretty sure everyone knows besides Iwaizumi-san.”

“Oh? Haha, well...this is incredibly embarrassing.” I smile just a little too wide and hop off the wall. “I guess we’d better be going then! I’m sure Hinata is being corrupted by Iwa-chan as we speak.”

“Are you sure it isn’t the other way around? Hinata’s brightness is infectious! I remember when we first started dating, he…” 

Kageyama keeps talking about how amazing Hinata is as we walk back to the hospital entrance. I nod and give responses when needed, but my mind is elsewhere. I keep replaying everything that he said, but all I can focus on is,  _ ‘It’s not a secret.’ _

If it’s not a secret, then why is it so hard to admit?


	12. For Halloween (Iwaizumi POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought that I posted this last night, but IT TURNS OUT that I hit preview instead. I woke up with no comments or kudos or anything and I was like, "Well, I guess that chapter sucked. It was more of a set-the-scene chapter though, so I get it." Then, I actually LOOKED and realized that I never posted the freaking chapter, so. Woe is me.
> 
> Also, for the MCU fans out there, I see so many similarities between Steve/Bucky and Oikawa/Iwaizumi. Bucky and Iwa are both the right-hand-men that take care of their dumb, self-sacrificing counterparts. Bucky puts on a brave face when he's hiding so much trauma and Iwa does the same with his anxiety. Oikawa and Steve both reach for the stars, and they don't stop pushing themselves until they reach their goals. Anyway, that's my hot take on it, but it's just an opinion. Feel free to disagree. :)

I would do anything for Oikawa. That’s just as terrifying as it sounds, but most of the time, it isn’t a problem. We have this little dance that we do every day, and I think it spares us both from the crushing realization that I like doing things for him. I love it, even. But that love can be too much for some people to take, and I’m not taking that risk. And so the routine continues. Oikawa asks for something, I put up a fight, he whines, he makes a scene, and I end up doing whatever he wants. I cling to the trace amount of dignity that comes with these occurrences.

The worst thing about my entire situation is that Oikawa absolutely knows. He knows that I don’t mind grabbing him something out of the vending machine or helping him clean the gym after extra practices. He knows that I don’t mind covering for him at school when he can’t get out of bed or bringing him some milk bread just to see his smile. I would bring him the entire world if I could. So really, I guess it’s not shocking that I’ve landed myself in the current situation. 

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?”

“Oh come on, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa tugs at the zipper of my costume. “It’s gonna be so much fun- you’ll thank me later!”

“I highly doubt that.” 

He shuffles, hands fumbling to get a better grip. “Damn! This thing won’t- oh! I got it.”

“Thanks.” I roll my shoulders and feel the fabric tug at my chest. “Wow, this is a lot tighter than I remember.”

I walk stiffly towards Oikawa’s mirror and gawk at what I see. I’m covered in all black clothing except for my left arm, which shines as though it were genuinely metallic. The only splash of true color is the red star painted onto it. The black combat vest broadens my chest while the tight pants give my legs a new level of definition that I didn’t know they had, and the combat boots definitely help the cause. It’s certainly not as bad as I thought it would be.

“You look like a million bucks.”

Then, I turn and see Oikawa.

“Oh,” I breathe.

Of course he’s fucking gorgeous. Of course. The costume sets a high bar for the person wearing it, yet Oikawa exceeded all expectations. The blue fabric is pulled flush against his body in every possible way, and the white star on his chest flashes with a hint of silver. His gloves and belt are brown, but other than that, he’s the epitome of red, white, and blue. 

“Oh?” Oikawa tilts his head. “Just ‘oh?’”

“Thanks,” I mutter.

Oikawa spins in a circle before grabbing his shield off the bed. “How do I look, Iwa-chan?”

“You look like Captain America.”

“Duh!” Oikawa turns to admire himself in the mirror. “But how do I  _ look  _ look?

“You look fine,” I deadpan.

“Ugh, Iwa-chan!” He rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at me. “You’re always so mean to me!”

“That wasn’t even mean.”

“Iwa-chaan!”

A sudden ring interrupts our conversation, and I walk over to Oikawa’s desk to see who’s calling me. When I grab my phone, I see that the number isn’t in my contacts.

“Hey, should I answer this?” I ask Oikawa.

“Uh, I guess? Who is it?”

“Dunno. Their number isn’t in my phone.”

“Oh. Go ahead and answer it anyway- it's probably just a Halloween prank,” Oikawa shrugs. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll put it on speaker so you can hear it, too.” I nod in agreement before pressing the  _ answer  _ button. “Hello?”

“We’re going to get you.”

_ Click. _

I stand there in shock for a few moments before tugging my gaze up to meet Oikawa’s. His eyes are wide with surprise, but he doesn’t seem too worried.

“It’s probably a prank,” he shrugs. 

“Yeah…” I hesitantly slip my phone into my pocket. “Still, isn’t that a little bit intense?”

Oikawa turns back to the mirror to fix his hair. “Maybe, but it  _ is _ Halloween. Prank calls aren’t out of the ordinary.”

“Right, you’re right.” I shake my head. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me just grab my stuff.” Oikawa swipes his phone and keys off the bed before walking toward the door. 

I flick the lights off as I leave behind him, and all of the light that remains belongs to the golden rays of the setting sun. 

As we walk down the final few steps, Oikawa’s parents jump up to greet us. 

“Oh, don’t you boys look so handsome!” Mrs. Oikawa croons.

“Don’t go anywhere, boys- I want pictures!” Mr. Oikawa grabs his phone from his pocket and ushers us in front of the doorway. “Here, this is great, you’ve got the decorations behind you! Smile!”

Oikawa grins and throws an arm around my shoulders while I wrap mine around his waist. I feel the tell-tale buzz of electricity pool deep in my stomach, but I smile brightly and shove the feeling away. I’ve become so accustomed to the new way that my body reacts when he’s near me, so it's easier to hide now than it was back in September. My hand grips him like a friend while my heart holds him like a lover.

“I got it, thanks! You boys make sure to have plenty of fun.” Mr. Oikawa winks and puts his phone back into his pocket.

“But not too much fun!” Mrs. Oikawa chimes in. “Iwaizumi, don’t let Tooru terrorize any little children, okay? I’m leaving him in your care.”

I raise my hand to my head in a mock salute. “I promise not to let you down. If he even thinks about misbehaving, I’ll drag him home and eat all of his candy.”

“Hey, no fair!” Oikawa whines. “I’m not a child.”

I meet his eyes and I raise my eyebrows. “I’m skeptical.”

Our conversation is interrupted yet again by the ringing of a phone. It’s Oikawa’s ringtone, and I watch as he plucks his phone from a pouch in his belt.

“Hey, Kageyama, what’s up?” Oikawa chirps.

He pauses for a moment before turning to check the clock. “Yeah, that’s totally fine. Can you send one of us the list?”

I can’t hear Kageyama on the other end of the phone, so I’m left in the dark until their conversation is over. 

Oikawa hangs up and turns to me. “Hey, so they ran out of candy and wanted to know if we could stop and pick some up before we go. Is that okay with you?”

I shrug. “Yeah, no problem. We were gonna get there early anyway.”

“Great!” Oikawa clasps his hands and turns to his parents. “Well, we’d better be off!”

“Alright boys, have fun!” Mrs. Oikawa smiles and waves as I open the door.

“We will,” Oikawa replies.

“Don’t get arrested!”

“Mooom,” Oikawa groans before turning back to his parents. 

I watch as he quickly skips over to embrace them both, and I feel a twinge of sadness in my chest. 

“Are you gonna join in or what?” Oikawa’s dad grins at me.

I walk slowly over to the family and let them envelop me in their mushy hug. 

“Aw, Iwa-chan is such a softie.”

“I’ll steal all of your candy and you know it.”

“Mean!”

We break apart and make our exit, the chorus of “goodbyes” and “stay safes” echoing in our ears. When we reach Oikawa’s Jeep, he unlocks the doors and hops cheerily into the driver’s seat.

“So, what store do you want to go to?”

_ Ding! _

“Uh...” I pause to check the text alert from my phone. “How about the Dollar Store?”

“Works for me. Was that Kageyama?”

“Yeah, he sent me a list of candy that they need.” I reach back to buckle my seatbelt. “He says to keep the receipt so that they can pay us back.”

“Oh, that’s no problem, really,” Oikawa insists. “Tell him I’ve got it covered.”

“You sure? It’s a lot of candy.” 

“Yeah.” Oikawa buckles his own seatbelt and starts the car. “I don’t mind.”

“Whatever you say.”

I type out a message as we pull out of the driveway.

**Iwaizumi:** Oikawa says not to worry about the receipt. He says he can pay for it.

**Kageyama:** For real? Shouyou wants a lot of candy...

**Iwaizumi:** Yeah, he says he’s sure.

**Kageyama:** Okay then. But tell him that if he changes his mind, we’ll still pay him back.

**Iwaizumi:** Okay, I’ll tell him. See you soon.

**Kageyama:** Drive safely.

**Iwaizumi:** We will.

I sigh and slip my phone back into my pocket. “Kageyama says that if you change your mind, he’ll still pay you back.”

“Okay, sounds good.” Oikawa reaches down to adjust the radio. “We need some music to do along with our little adventure!”

“Adventure?”

“Yes, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says matter-of-factly. “We’re on a mission to secure some candy for the party. It’s Halloween evening, so most of the people who’re running out of candy will be at the store now. It’s going to be very difficult, but we were entrusted with this mission and we must deliver.”

“Wooow, I didn’t realize you were so serious about Halloween,” I tease.

“It’s the only valid holiday in the entire year and you know it.” 

I do. Oikawa has loved Halloween since we were kids, and he treats it very seriously. When we grew out of trick-or-treating age, we went to haunted houses instead. But this year, Karasuno is hosting a Halloween party, and all of Aoba Johsai is invited. 

“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?” I ask Oikawa. “We’re rivals on the court but friends in the real world.”

Oikawa nonchalantly waves a hand. “I don’t think it’s weird. I mean, when it comes down to it, we’re all aiming for the same thing. We love the sport, but we can’t all be on the same team.”

“That almost sounds a little passive-aggressive.”

“Hm, I guess it is.” Oikawa stops to look both ways before proceeding through the intersection. “I just keep thinking about how any one of those guys could have been my teammates, you know? Just because they’re on a different team doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“Oikawa.”

“Yeah?”

I smile at him even though his eyes are trained on the road. “When did you become so nice?”

Oikawa gasps. “Mean, Iwa-chan!”

I laugh at the way his face twists in mock anger. 

The rest of the drive is short, and when we finally pull into the parking lot, it’s not nearly as crowded as Oikawa had thought it would be.

“I guess this is going to be an easy ‘mission,’” I quip.

“Either that or all of the candy is already gone,” Oikawa responds.

We make our way into the store only to find that Oikawa was right. Most of the good candy has been taken, but Oikawa doesn’t give up that easily.

“Okay, Iwa-chan.” He pulls me aside and lowers his voice. “I have a plan.”

I narrow my eyes. “I’m suspicious, but keep talking.”

“Okay, so did you notice the cute little cashier looking at us when we walked in?”

“No?”

“Well, she was totally checking me out. Some stores carry extra stuff in the back, so I’m going to go see if I can get her to let us have some.”

“Oikawa, this is wrong,” I chide. “You’re going to get her hopes up.”

“Nonsense, nonsense! It’s just a little harmless flirting.”

“It might be harmless to you, but-”

“Um, how may I help you all?”

Oikawa and I turn abruptly to see a small girl standing at the end of the aisle. She is cute, in a baby animal kind of way.

“Hi!” Oikawa’s voice is dripping with charm. “I really need some candy, but it seems that you’re all out of the type that I need.” He walks over to her and pulls the most upset face that he can. “Is there any chance that you have some in the back?”

The girl is as red as red can be, and her mouth is parted slightly in awe of Oikawa. I can’t say that I blame her, I mean, the costume does wonders for his body.

_ Did I really just think that? _

“U-uh, sure, I can check!” The girl squeaks out her response before practically running into the back room.

Oikawa turns to wink at me. “That’s how it’s done.”

“You’re going to Hell.”

“I sure hope so- I haven’t been home in a while.”

I roll my eyes at the comment just as the girl peeks out of the back room.

“Um, we have some stuff back here...do you want to come pick out what you want?”

“Ah, yes, thank you!” Oikawa turns to be and holds out his hand. “Can I have your phone? It has the list of candy on it.”

“Oh, right.” I take my phone out from my pocket and hand it over.

Oikawa practically skips towards the back room and gives another 1000-watt smile to the girl. “Thank you so much! Hey, Iwa-chan, we’ll be out in a minute,” Oikawa calls to me.

“Okay.”

They’re gone for longer than a minute, but I let it slide. When Oikawa does come out, his arms are chocked full of candy.

“-just so nice of you!” I hear him say.

“Ah, well, it’s really no problem,” the girl responds.

When Oikawa sees me, his face lights up. “Iwa-chan, look at all of the candy that she found for us!”

The girl is still blushing from her head to her toes, so I give her a sympathetic smile. “Sorry if Oikawa was bothering you.”

“Oh n-no, it’s fine!”

As Oikawa and I walk to the checkout, the girl runs ahead to get behind the register. She rings up all of our candy and puts it into two bags.

“That’s $19.91,” she says.

He hands her a $20 bill and grabs the bags. The girl hands him his receipt and change before closing the register.

“Thank you so much!” Oikawa calls as we leave the store.

“A-anytime!”

When we get into Oikawa’s Jeep, I smack him upside the head. “How could you do that? You took advantage of a poor, innocent girl.”

Oikawa sets the bags in my lap and gives me the most serious expression that he can muster. “I would do anything in the name of Halloween.”

“Anything?”

“Anything,” he nods solemnly.

“That’s kind of dangerous, you know.”

“Oh?” Oikawa buckles and starts the car. “Do you have something in mind?”

_ This is a loaded question, this is a loaded question, this is- _

“Iwa-chan, your face is all red.”

I quickly turn my head away and snap out a reply. “Because it’s hot in here, dumbass! Turn the air conditioning on and drive!”

“Oooh, so tough, Iwa-chan.” I can hear the smile in Oikawa’s voice as he responds. “Very domineering.”

“DRIVE.”

As we pull out of the parking lot, I wonder once again how I land myself in situations like these. Then, I remember: Oikawa would do anything for Halloween, and I would do anything for Oikawa.


	13. Uhhh Hey Y’all

Hey so umm here’s the thing! I sat down for quite some time and tried to put together the right string of words to tell you all this, but I just can’t get it right. Then I realized that this is the internet and I can say whatever I want, so! Yeah. Here goes nothing. I’ve struggled with a variety of mental illnesses for as long as I can remember, and recently, they’ve been...uh...acting up? It’s actually gotten to the point of being life-threatening, so I’ll most likely be in and out of doctor’s offices for the next few weeks or so. I may or may not have access to my phone or laptop, which means that I won’t be able to write or internet with you all! Ah!

So, yeah...I think you all can see where this is going, but instead of just ~dropping off the face of the Earth~, I wanted to let you all know what’s going on. This, on top of the torrential rain we just got (I’ve been doing damage control all day!), on top of the fact that I have a job that’s getting really crazy right now, is just way too much for me to handle. That being said, I’M NOT ABANDONING THIS FIC! Not in a million years!! I’ll just have to take a break for some time. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, because that’s kind of up to the doctors and whatnot, but I WILL be back. If not, I’ve died, and in that case, I’m sure one of my friends will hop on my Tumblr and tell you. :)

Anyway, WOW I really dumped this on you guys, huh? I’m sorry about that, but like I said, I just wanted to let you know what’s happening on my end. Everything has happened so fast, and I kind of don’t even feel alive, so time has been weird for me (Is it Saturday? Did I eat today? What is “today?” Papaya??). I love you all, and I love my Haikyuu boys, so I’m going to come back if I do make it through this. This is so all over the place because that’s kind of how my life is these days, but to end on a positive note, the sunset was really beautiful today, sooo yeah! <3


End file.
